Saturday, November 26, 2011

Humble Pie


I am humbled by myself for the good of myself and as painful as the humbling process can be I know that It’s gifts are unparalleled.  It’s one of those things that sucks going through but once on the other side I find myself so grateful I went through it.  Thanksgiving was a HUGE opportunity to use the tools of the program and the consciousness developed on my mat and in various spiritual communities I am involved with.  I had the opportunity to look from the outside in on the disease of alcoholism and addiction.  As I watched someone I love dearly masked by substances sit with me fully believing that they were there in some capacity… I remembered what it was like to be sitting in that very seat of life.  I love her anyway and this experience does not change my love for her one bit - if anything it increases it – but I just can’t get through.  I realize in this moment that I feel alone and there are no secretes between souls.  On a soul level we know everything there is to know about another – after all we are just free flowing energy and the exchange and download is inevitable.  We have just finished Thanksgiving dinner and she is not really there and I am fumbling to figure out exactly what I need to do to take care of myself.  Out of sheer will and a “drive by prayer” I defer myself from taking action on the thought of having a cigarette and yes, even the thought(and borderline consideration) of having a glass of wine as it cruised through the crazy space of my mind.  Sugar?  No, that somehow doesn’t feel like it’s going to work.  I settle on a bath with a good book and some dedicated prayer time.  I begin to feel better and I emerge from the tub to find my loved one waiting to communicate with me.  I tell her I feel lonely and I love her and it’s just such an odd feeling to feel alone when one of the people you love most in the world is sitting right there with you.  She asked if I had wished we had more quality time growing up and I reply no, I don’t wish for the past - I want this now…. I would love this quality time now….  I get myself to a meeting and almost immediately, the weight begins to melt from my shoulders and my stress softens as I listen and share about the challenges of being sober during the holiday.  Earlier in the day I went to a Thanksgiving day yoga class where we were doing our wheel poses, one at a time, for each dish we planned to eat, - one for white turkey, one for yams and potatoes, one for pumpkin pie, one for stuffing and finally someone yelled out, one for champagne and as Scott beckoned a final “sparkling wheel” I thought to myself…. I’m doing a well for the glass of champagne that I DON’T have to have this year.  I am grateful to be sober through the holidays but it is important to recognize that the challenges of the holidays may require a slight amp up in the old program.  I can feel some resentment building inside of me and I’m observing that it is not being directed in healthy ways and in some cases at completely undeserving targets. I guess I not only had an extra slice of pumpkin pie....I feel like I am getting an extra serving of humble pie.  I open and soften myself to the guidance and love of others and I apologize where I have mis-stepped allowing myself the opportunity to re-center as many time as I need to, each day.  I am humbled with ease and grace.  Love Out.

2 comments:

  1. "When it gets dark enough, you can see the stars." Charles A. Beard

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  2. Oooohhhh, I love that! I am picturing a million stars lighting up a bright starry night. That's like the fellowship, the stars that light up the dark night's of our soul. The more we allow in, the greater the light in our life. Thanks for posting this quote!

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