Ahhhh, the anticipation is sweet when I can surrender the outcome even just a little …. But it’s uncomfortable, almost painful when I let it take me…. this is all over good news you see. I work for this amazing yoga company and have been working on a business proposal of sorts. I come to find out last night that the idea is already taking shape and I can skip to step two of my development with this. I am so excited I think I am going to jump out of my skin. What comes next…. an insane and insatiable desire to drink or smoke or something…. “incredible” I think – my disease works so hard when there is something to celebrate. It’s as though some part of me wants to sabotage what is appearing to be a HUGE, miraculous opportunity. Yes, of course, that part of me is my disease and it is by it’s very nature, ultimately destructive… Staying present is key and not coming to expect…. but how? How do you maintain composure when you see that red bicycle you have been wanting for the last 5 birthdays, being ridden down the road on the night of you birthday by a family member? A part of me wants to succumb to my belief that I(of myself) want to be doing something to usher this thing in…. and yet I don’t even know if it is mine to be. The hardest thing to do, is nothing at all and yet many great spiritual teachers have a told us that the highest spiritual practice is the practice of “doing” nothing. Whether it is a practice of being and allowing or showing up just for the things that are suggested or becoming ok with the pull of inspiration as it tugs on your heart strings as a hope for things unseen…. I don’t know. But what I do know is that if I am really the woman of faith that I believe I am, I need to demonstrate that faith by trusting implicitly that “God alone” is at the helm. This consists of reminding myself that, hey Ash, God still has this one. God has been at the center and the circumference of this since it first began to budd in your life. It is the water, the light, the soil, the acorn and it is now revealing itself as an oak tree as the very life that you are living. You do not need to do anything to make yourself grow, to promote your growth, to talk God into giving you all that you need to grow and be the full expression of life that you came to be…. Nope, God has this…. you just continue to show up and be open, forgetting about the me of the package you come in. There is a Divine orchestration of your life occurring and you are not the director of the show. Well, you can be…. But it hasn’t worked out all that well with you in that position anyhow…. So let it go Ash…. Trust, more now than ever before, that life has never and will never let you down. Be totally present to the gifts of today and allow the balance of presence and grounding to keep a sweet tint to the anticipation of the waves of goodness rolling into your life.
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