Saturday, December 17, 2011

Showing Up Even if there Seems to Be Nothin' to Say


Sometimes I have no clue what I am going to write and I am here at the keyboard out of an awareness that I must show up for this commitment to myself even if I don’t know what or more importantly, “if” something’s going to flow.  Creativity is about taking the journey and allowing it to take you.  It is about trusting the twists and turns.  More importantly it is about trusting what feels like the lulls.  Often as addicts and alcoholics we don’t feel like we “fit in” anywhere and the unfomfortability of not feeling “a part of” is quickly alleviated by the drink or drug.  But to be totally honest, as I learn to be more comfortable with who I am and somehow am proportionately more accepted by the world, I often think “what am I fitting into anyway?”  I have carried this perception at times that most people have it together and know who they are and in my mind they are so mature and their lives are this brilliant work of ease and joy.  The more I grow, the more I realize how this was just a perception and what I thought I was viewing as a perfect world for others, is most often not the perfect world I had perceived it to be.  The goal is not to judge but to discern and to realize that no one path is better than another.

I am working hard on seeing and perceiving the perfect truth of anyone, of everyone that I meet.  As I focus my attention on where I am placing my attention I realize how much judgement there really is.  I am shocked by what I perceive to be sadness, depression, anger, confusion and so many seemingly lost souls.  Is this me that I am perceiving in others?  I am called to see the perfection and to be a safe harbor for the revelation of truth in others and yet oftentimes all I see is, sadly, what is wrong.  I want to see what is right without having a polly-anna, fake and false perception of what truly is.  Does any of it matter?  Does it matter if I see Truth?  What Good reason is there to dedicate my entire life to this that Christ revealed through the man Jesus, the woman Theresa, the monk Buddha…. Why am I so called to this path?

I find myself resting in my purpose when the humanity of life begins to get to me.  I find myself returning to what is true in my heart…. But then I wonder, is what is true in my heart just a bunch of bull-oney anyway?

I don’t know the answer to this and I don’t need to in order to pursue that which is calling me from the inside, from the eternal.  May what is calling you from the inside, from the eternal be what you wake for and what you walk for each day.  This is why I am sober today.  Much Love.

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