The biggest shift in my life and sobriety to date has
arrived. I’ll set up what I am
about to say by saying that I have a major propensity to RUN! Most of the time my running is
geographic but not always – I have noticed the powerful instinct to run in
almost every way. Now, as currently face situation after situation which
triggers my run response, I finally find myself diving right into the pain,
right into the fear, facing it head-on and what I have found is the most the amazing thing – when you dive into it – you dive through it – it doesn’t last
forever and what’s on the other side is an experience of Truth – of me and of
life that is an indescribable blessing.
I believe( a word that is stronger than to know) that God is tailoring a series of “rights of
passage” for me. How grateful I am
to be not only honored with these “rights of passages” but to be in a place
spiritually to re-cognize them as such with my entire heart, mind and
being. From this place of trusting
that there are no mistakes in God, I settle into the knowing that no matter how
much my heart hurts in moments, that this too not only shall pass but it
is for me! In the last three days I crossed a personal threshold that I
did not even know existed – a genuine breakthrough within my consciousness – a
complete transcendence of a limitation, which I now see has been limiting me my
whole life. I trust myself and
more importantly, I trust God in all of Its workings. Letting Go has a whole new meaning and
embracing the mystery is all that I have got – and it’s everything that I have
ever wanted. Slowly, slowly in my
sobriety, I am learning to let go of all of it and be here now, nurturing and
caring for myself in a way that is sweet and powerfully loving. I am genuinely excited and grateful for
life. This is my dominant
experience and yet there are gut-wrenching, heart-expanding moments each day
where I am called a little bit deeper and each time I dive into the fear and
nurture myself, I find myself rising into a greater trust in God. The Good that I am seeking is within
me, the Source of that Good is my God, Life evolves Forward, there is nothing
from the past that belongs to this moment now that is not here. Life in Its fullness is dynamically
and powerfully for me. There is
nothing I could have ever done to separate myself from an experience of Good
that belongs to me. I am refreshed
in this knowing. I accept my
“rights of passage” with a big YES, God!
And So It Is.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Recognize Your Rights of Passage and Say Yes.
Friday, September 14, 2012
In Love with the Mystery
It’s happening NOW in real-time. For the first several months of my sobriety I felt tugged
into the future or the past and now I feel like I have been warped into the
present time – it is happening NOW and I feel slightly more empowered to make
decisions from the powerful place of being present in this NOW moment. It’s not going to help to run from
things any longer – it’s best to dive straight in – the harder the situation
the deeper I should dive. I have
been playing small, deathly afraid of the resistance I feel, mistaking it for
truth instead of the fear that it
is. Perhaps it’s the un-layering
of the cloaks of doubt and shame and fear that are occurring in the 9th
step that are allowing me to center more fully in the NOW. But just because I find myself centered
here doesn’t mean that it’s not scary, there are things from my past and my
future that I wish to cling to so badly but those that are meant to be a part
of me now will simply be here NOW.
If they are still embedded in my heart NOW than they belong. I’m not really sure exactly what I am
talking about when I say this – but it’s that inner guidance that is revealing
itself through this Spiritual Practice of writing and as it always does – it will
inform me throughout the coming days.
I have come to trust that still small voice within me – “the occasional
hunch or inspiration is gradually becoming a working part of the mind.(BB, P.
87)” Being present and watching
thoughts fly through my mind and deciding & knowing which are
my disease, which are my thoughts and yet always remembering that my thoughts
are not me. I am not my thoughts,
I do not have to identify with them…. I can simply let them be a separate
entity from me. So can you,
drawing yourself into the present moment through actively working the steps and
committed to being here now you will find yourself increasingly empowered to
make choices that serve you and to do so with Ease, Grace & Dignity. Being here NOW is about embracing the beautiful mystery of the Universe. As your practice deepens you will fall in love with the mystery of the Universe as I sometimes am :)
Friday, September 7, 2012
Change Is Possible If You Change It Within
Today I wake feeling empowered, alive and filled with
hope. I used to shy away from the
word “hope” as it somehow implied to this New Thought persons mind, that my
good was outside myself. Nope, I
feel that hope right there deep down inside of me and it is rising to the
surface of my being and it feels good.
A couple of my spiritual mentors have so lovingly pointed out to me
lately that perhaps in an area or two of my life, I am still seeking my good
outside of myself. This was the
case with drugs and alcohol and now after almost 17 months of sobriety I am
discovering this to be true in other areas of my life. I have come to understand that we are
endogenous beings – meaning our life unfolds from within us outward and not
vice versa so as I explore my desires for life and begin to look at them with
an eye of “is this something outside of me that I am seeking” I begin to have a
deeper clarity and freedom than I am used to in certain areas of my life. SO today I am going to share my
practice with you. My practice is
an affirmation that I repeat 15X a day and it is this. There is no lack of Spiritual Integrity
in Universal Good, therefore there is no lack of Spiritual Integrity in me, My
Good is %100 alignment and expression in and of Spiritual Integrity. Any Good that I am seeking is within
me. I stop reaching for that which
is outside of me and turn my attention and intention inward to the Source of
All Life. Happy Trails in your
sobriety today. If today is a dark
one, grab a mentor, a friend and share your pain openly and honestly. Tomorrow is a new day and chances are
you will wake feeling completely different than today. This too shall pass. Many Blessings.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
9th Step has Promises for A Reason - Keep Going
Yesss – there is a reason that the 9th step has
promises – isn’t there? I’m in the
midst of my 9th step and my excuses of business has seen it’s
day. More deeply than ever I am
sensing in my depths that there is a link between the stuff that is hiding deep
down inside of me that the 9th step is intended to heal and my
prosperity is awaiting the clear reflection of right alignment that comes as a
result. I’ve been so busy fooling
myself all of these years with false pride but when it comes down to really
knowing what I believe at my core, one may look to my life to find out – I spoke
of this on Sunday at our service.
As vulnerable as this feels to put it out there, I know that I must, in
faith that there will be another chapter to the story to share with you if I am
honest about this stage of my journey -
a chapter which reflects great financial abundance and prosperity in my
life and as my life. There must be
some part of me which really believes that “I am not good enough to be
supported freely and consistently” because that is what continues to reflect in
my world. I know that God does not
punish but that I have the capacity to punish myself through holding a belief,
which is absolutely creative and operative in my life. These beliefs could very well have been
adopted from all of the “bad stuff” that I was up to in my addiction. I think I am harder on myself that
almost anyone I have ever met and I have to remember that we all make mistakes
and addiction has a particularly messy and destructive nature to it. Living my amends is the most powerful
restitution for the damage caused but getting in there and making amends
whereby not only is it possible that others will forgive me but more
importantly that I forgive myself.
You see my inner self critic or as Julia Cameron calls her “my Censor”
has rich and fertile soil to grow and live in the “stuff” that happened in my
life around my disease. The 9th
step is about clearing this so that my inner Critic can just relax
already. Eventually as I continue
to work these steps I hope to see my inner critic fade into the nothingness
from whence it came and to feel the abundant nature of my soul expressed in my
attitudes of being more than enough for the fact that I am a Divine emanation
of “the One” as is each and every soul on this planet. Beliefs rooted in Truth unlike the
false beliefs I picked up in my addiction have nothing to do but shine health
into every area of my life including my financial health and well-being. Today, I pursue the next section of my
9th step with vigor for I am ready for, accept and expect my freedom. I liken this experience to standing at
the door knocking, expecting the door to be opened and the God of my soul to
welcome me home to the Truth of my being which has never changed – I just
temporarily forgot. Thank you 9th
step for being the roadmap for remembering the Truth about me.
Friday, July 20, 2012
The Platform for My Love for Humanity
The more people we love, the greater humanity becomes”
–Anthony Douglas Williams, Inside the Divine Pattern.
Without my sobriety I am hardly the lover that I was
intended to be. My sobriety is the
foundation or the fertile soil from which my Divine Purpose is born. I am here to Love. My sincerest desire is that Love has
It’s Way with me, through me and as me.
My sincerest intention is that my life be a lotus flower of Love, each
petal of love unfolding into the world with all of the qualities of Love. The qualities of Love that come to mind
are Inclusivity, Power, Freedom, Joy, Enthusiasm, Strength, Light, the ability
to Penetrate the darkness, Wholeness, Stability, Insight, Inspiration &
Intuition. All of these and more
are born in the Oversoul or environment of Love.
The greatest forum for Love is being built in my world right
now. My dream to create
communities founded in and always from the place of Pure, Un-conditional Love
so that individuals healing, growth and maximum creativity are nurtured to the full expression of their
highest potential. For
the first time I am reaching out on my blog for your support. I you believe in the message that I
bring here in my blog then please consider logging onto aspencsl.org to make a
tax deductible donation which will fuel the fire of my Love on and for the
planet. We really appreciate your
support – Center for Spiritual Living Aspen has been "my baby" the dream that I have been eating, sleeping and breathing for many moons - it is without a shadow of a doubt the vision for my life. It is finally coming to reality after 13 years of
dreaming, visioning and planning. Centers for Spiritual Living are in great alignment with the Principles of the 12 steps - in fact it is said that our founder Ernest Holmes was good friends with Bill W and you can often find similar descriptions of God and Principle in both of their writings. We often say that we are grateful to be alcoholics/addicts because we have these principles and communities to live by and within - well, is a way that these gifts are offered to the community at large. Again - please consider donating what you can as we are raising the seed money to have a beautiful launch on August 5th.
May your world be fueled by Divine Love from within AND all
around.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Yoga, Meditation, the Steps Converge for Life to Emerge
“Good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage and,
prudence – these are the qualities we shall need when we take step 9.” – Twelve
Steps and Twelve Traditions
Ahh, how I missed the sweet spaciousness of one of my
favorite Spiritual Practices in the world – yoga. It’s been a few weeks since I have practiced and yesterday I
promised myself I would go.
Despite all of my ego’s efforts to procrastinate and leave this practice
for another day, I showed up. I am
so grateful that my higher self One and yesterday I got to remember what it
feels like to be in my body again.
At one point I was cradling my entire leg in my arm and rocking it like
a baby (ok – so it wasn’t just me – it was the entire class ) I found myself
giggling out loud in class at the sweetness of this posture. It dawned on me that I was using
strength in one area of my body to improve the flexibility in another – how
beautiful. Ok – so admittedly I am
feeling naturally high this morning after my morning meditation.
Meditation is that time where I focus on turning my
attention so far inward that it is higher than my thoughts, feelings and
emotions. Meditation is
consciously turning toward that changeless, untouchable stuff within me and
beginning by having a conversation with that. Eventually that conversation becomes a Union and I begin to
operate from that place – the High Self and Boy am I a Divine Center of Power
and Vision when I operate from a total Union and Connection with Source. I love meditation and I love feeling
the natural high that I looked for in drugs and alcohol for so long.
On another note – I took the first steps of my 9th
step – “made amends to those people wherever possible, except when to do so
would injure them or other.” Per
my sponsor and God’s mysterious ways – I am starting with my doozies. Well I emailed both of these people
yesterday simply stating that I am at the place in my sobriety where it is time
to make an amends. Ok – the amends
hasn’t even come yet but HOLY SMOKES does it feel good to have taken an honest
step here. I already feel a
momentum building and get a funny feeling that I have a new fervor for making
these amends and feeling the freedom that I sense is born from this
process. Yay – this morning
I am especially diggin’ sobriety, yoga and life. I hope you are too!
Monday, July 16, 2012
The Triumphant Nature of Sobriety
With a clear and deep Gratitude for my sobriety I share a
powerful demonstration this morning of how this program works. I just returned from my brother, Jon’s,
wedding in Telluride. I have
always know that one of the major themes of my life is Triumph. It had to be because there was so much
challenge that I knew it was the first side of the coin of Triumph that I came
to live. I have an awareness that
I have chosen the life challenges that would offer me the biggest opportunities
for growth, evolution and development without killing me. My soul said a Big, Mighty Yes to Big
Development and Unfoldment when it chose my particular family. With two deaths in my immediate family
at a young age, loads of money appearing and disappearing and a huge family
chalk full of souls on a deep journey of soul’s who are deeply “in it,” we have been a family that I have taken
for a lot worse. This past weekend
I found a chord of Harmony and Love that I had almost given up on and it was as
if the last 15 years of my life had come full circle to a moment in time where
my family was together for the first time since my fathers funeral in
1998. I had come across individual
family members in different settings over the years and it almost always turned
into a confusing and difficult navigation of the giant pain bodies that we had
all developed through the tragedies in our lives. One of the ways that I felt I was missing out was with my
nephews and nieces and little sisters who seemed to be trapped from me on the
other side of the pain that always erupted among the adults. This weekend the light shined
through after years and years of trials and tribulation. Thanks to my program the pain buttons
that used to stick out from every angle of me that seemed so ridiculously easy
to push and unveil uncomfortable instability and a resulting sadness and anger,
seemed to have vanished. I showed
up as the confident, powerful, humble and happy woman that I always knew that I
was. Although there weren’t any
awards or lavish strokes of the ego about how much I have changed or grown,
there was the True gift of a sincere connection and a deep knowing that I was
dancing in beautiful harmony with these teachers we showed up in this life to
be my family. I guess you never
know until you dive in, how much you have really grown or how much your
consciousness has evolved. This
weekend I found the barometer for my consciousness which has had a true chance
to evolution through my program in sobriety, to be hot with the fires of Love
and Harmony. For this I am truly
grateful for my sobriety. Take
another step forward and soon you will find yourself in a moment of Triumph,
Harmony and Love. Blessings.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Be Here Now & Feel Joy & Serenity
“The future is no place to place your better days.” – Dave
Mathews Band
“Be here now”… a phrase I use so often when I am leading
meditation class. I hear it
resounding in my being this morning and as I gently move from my morning
meditation to writing here, these are the words that flow from my heart – this
is my mantra today. I am here now,
today. I study spirituality in a
really beautiful philosophy which offers a remembering to my soul – life is Infinite….meaning
my soul will go on to Infinity developing and unfolding and expanding. Currently I am living a very
disciplined life for the sole purpose of the un-foldment of my dreams. In the business of creating whatever we
want using the laws of cause and effect, we can sometimes get caught up in
creating everything that feels good, right now in the moment. As I have grown in my Spirituality I am
realizing how dynamic our nature truly is and in this there is so much
unfolding all at once. I used to
think that I was overly sensitive and in fact was considered by many to be a very sensitive as a
child. What I am realizing now is
that I was “overly sensitive” and yet it was because my intuitive sense was far
more developed than many of the people around me. As I really get to know myself through these steps and the
other practices involved in my spiritual program, I am beginning to get a sense
of how powerfully intuitive I have always been. In my sobriety I get to connect with my intuition again and
allow it to be my guiding light. The lesson I am learning when it comes to my intuition today is to allow
my mind to be quiet surrounding what is coming through my intuition. Sometimes my intuition has to do with a
moment, a day, a year, another time and sometimes it has to do with what I believe to be even other
lifetimes. Sometimes when I have a
really strong insight, sign or most often, feeling about someone or something - my mind wants to run away with it. What I am learning is that everything that has been given to me through my intuition is a part of the dynamic unfolding and how sweet it is to be connected to the vision before it emerges. However, even with the sheer magic and power of my intuition – my joy and serenity are contingent on my ability to follow Dave Mathews advice and realize that
today has Infinity’s Perfect Gifts for the day, right here. Be here now…. the future will come as
the present bearing It’s perfect gifts on the day that it arrives. I Am fully Present Here now. I receive and give the gifts of the day
with and to those whom I encounter today.
I am aware that this day is perfect in its fullness.
Friday, July 6, 2012
The 12 Steps A Pathway to True Inspiration
“In high moments of recognition of the light that transcends
reason, man transcends himself, and writes ore wisely than he knows.” Emma
Curtis Hopkins “No man when in his
wits attains prophetic truth and inspiration, but when he receives the inspired
word his intelligence is enthralled.” –Plato
So, after an hour of meditation in the early hours of the
morning, as the sun rises and the birds sing their joyful song, I read these
words and am reminded that there is something so powerful beyond reason. Our “wits” can not reveal “prophetic
truth.” When however, one is
inspired then the “intelligence is enthralled!” Wow!
Incredible! I believe this
is speaking to the re-organizing of priorities and emphasis of the places in
our lives from which we move. I
mean, is it most important that I speak from my intellect and get involved in
the game of right and wrong….because my ego sits dangerously close to my
intellect in my being. Or shall I
seek to speak, move and have my being from a deeper place? Shall I seek to move passed my wits
into the seat of my soul, to the place of my intuition and my heart and my true
power. Yes! Take me there. But how then do I get passed the place
that society has conditioned me so strongly to be? How do I arrive at the place deep down in my soul that is
calling me ever so lovingly?
Ahhh, I take the next step in my 9th step and
write that email and make that call.
I say yes to the suggestions and continue to walk my path in my program.
You see this program is a road map into the heart. It is a road map with trails marked “humility,” “forgiveness”
“honesty” and those trails lead to higher trails marked “true spiritual power” “freedom”
& “integrity.” I met with my
sponsor after two weeks of having the assignment to make contact with someone
on my amends list – you know, one of the doozies and someone who was a very
powerful mentor in my life who is now becoming a colleague. Although there is nothing inside
screaming “don’t do this – I am scared” there IS something going on because I
hadn’t even taken one baby step in the direction of contacting these
people. SO with the trail maps of
wondrous life in mind… I take these next steps in my 9th step. I seek the th trail map that ultimately
leads to my heart – my place of inspiration and joy. I believe I am on the right path. Just one step forward today is perfect J Happy Trails.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Independent From the Ties that Used to Bind
The day before the 4th of July marking
Independence Day. I can’t help but
wonder how independent we really are as a society and as individuals. Is being independent, being free.? Or
perhaps have we reached the other end of the evolutionary cycle – the point
where bridging the borders and recognizing ourselves as part of the One
community of life, and of the
world would be more empowering, enlightening and freeing. I dunno – what I do recognize is the
love that I have for the 12 step community. As people flood Aspen to participate in the 4th of
July festivities I find solace, joy and great gratitude in the rooms filled
with the odd family member of those visiting families, who is brave enough to endure a 4th of
July in Aspen amongst the partiers, the to do’s and the overall increase in
what is already an intensely powerful energy. This morning I chaired my first meeting of this particular
service position and as always – I asked my sponsor to kick of this period of
time by sharing her story. She
shared honestly and therefore powerfully from her heart. I was struck by how wonderful the
program of AA really is in Aspen.
I looked around the room at all of the incredible women who I relate so
much too. The kind of woman who is
going to go for a quick 4 mile hike in the morning, followed by a really nice
breakfast with friends, time with family and a picnic dinner outside the Aspen
Music Festival. These are my kind
of women and this is my kind of sobriety.
For a while I was stuck with “the grass is greener” lenses in my
shades. I kept thinkin’ everybody
else had something goin on that I didn’t and slowly but surely with some
prayer, a dedication to these steps and a solid spiritual practice, I’m
starting to really realize that of course others have wonderful things
happening in their lives – those wonderful things being perfect for their lives, and me…..well, I have got it goin’ on too! I have got it goin’ on my with sobriety while others have
their drink goin’ on to celebrate the 4th. My sobriety is perfect for and their drink is somehow
perfect for them. My friends are
Divinely appointed and perfect for me and other groups of women and friends
have exactly the perfect Divine idea unfolding in their lives. So this 4th of July I celebrate my independence from wanting a drink or to be anywhere else in the world and allow myself to fully experience the overflow of gifts in every area of my life. I live it. Love it. Bring It. By Being
my Authentic Self, right exactly where I am. Your good is right where you are, open your heart and your
eyes to seeing this truly and rightly. This Independence day chose to notice your independence from that which used to bind and your freedom to be more of who were meant to be, all the time. Love and Blessings
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Real-Deal Evolution Vs The False Evolutionary Cycle
Life is progressive and evolutionary and it is written in 12
step literature, and I am paraphrasing, we are sober to pack more into the
stream of life. In sobriety life
is building on itself and evolving in a much healthier and more beautiful way
without the negative energy that is created by the activity of the
disease. A few weeks ago when I
was talking to a friend who has 11 years of sobriety, telling her how I missed
drinking. She asked, “why, what do
you miss about it?” I replied, as
crazy as it sounds, I miss the ups and downs…. I miss being flat on my face on
the ground and turning over in total surrender and feeling the giant yank of
the Universe, the sheer bouancy of love that you feel from that place of pure
surrender and the depth of how far down you have gone. She was channeling something fierce
when she replied “that is the false evolutionary cycle, you would much rather
just stay sober and feel the real deal of the evolution of your soul.” Wow! It was a false evolutionary cycle, and one of my reasons to
drink again was squandered in a moment.
Today is father’s day and I reflect on the beauty and
intelligence of my father. He had
a brilliance about him that could be felt. He was a true visionary with an infectious smile and a love
for life that was so contagious that it swims in my veins as I write these
words nearly 15 years after his death.
They say he committed suicide and although for many years I believed
this was the cause of his death, I now understand that he died of
alcoholism. He did because the
false evolutionary cycle won over the real deal evolutionary cycle and this
powerful man, with incredible vision and intelligence couldn’t out-power or
out-smart his disease. I remember,
he would decide not to drink for 6 months or a year, here and there but
ultimately he missed his life saving boat which would have been the application
of the twelve steps. You see,
resentment lives on if there is not a program of action to have a total psychic
change. A psychic change is
dependent on the spiritual tool of forgiveness and forgiveness is not practiced
in main stream society. So you see
then how profoundly powerful the program is and the importance of working these
steps to the best of our ability. Nonetheless,
I am deeply grateful for the inspiration, love and joy that my father brought
and continues to bring to my life.
I love you Dad, today my sobriety and real-deal evolution is for you.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
12 Steps to Activate Your Mystical Life
What a profoundly beautiful time in my life, this is. I have been cultivating the life of my
dreams in consciousness for a very long time. It is now that I am beginning to sense the emergence of the
fullness of the life that I have dreamed of. Sometimes with attachment and sometimes without, I have
prayed, but consistently and constantly have I prayed. My prayers now are a balance of
harmonizing with the inner desires of my soul that I am connected to and to the
more advanced form of prayer, which is a surrender an openness to the will of
God which equals a deep yes born from a truer faith in Oneness than I have ever
experienced before. For a long
time I questioned whether God had a will for my life and whether it is all my
responsibility to create in the form of thinking and feeling things into
existence. Although the prayer
which includes colorful visualization of what I desire is powerful and
important I find that it is perhaps slightly more foundational to have a deep
knowing that Life has a desire to live its fullness through me and I believe
this occurs most powerfully through my prayer, “thy will be done!”
The big book often talks about the 4th dimension
and I believe that, as mentioned on page 87, this has to do with the “intuitive
thought or inspiration….gradually becoming a working part of the mind.” This is also known widely in the world
of religion and spirituality as the mystical experience. A mystical experience is the experience
of direct knowing… a life guided by the un-paralleled force of intuition. I believe that the paradigm shift in
the world that is so often talked about, is one which is breeding intuitively
guided lives around the planet. An
intuitively guided life is a mystical life. I’m not talking about intuition which, kicks in during a
crisis or pre-emergency, that thing that tells you to go left or right - although
this is a powerful demonstration and introduction to the intuition, I am
talking about intuition as “a working part of the mind.” I will take it a step further and say
that intution as the intimate friend and guide at the center of us always
drawing us forward into the greatest yet to be. I see a world of modern day mystics and I believe many of
those people on the leading edge of lives lived in this manner are activating
their mystic training through the 12 step programs. So continue to activate your mystical life by continuing to
work the steps and join us in true evolutionary consciousness.
Friday, June 15, 2012
A Sweet Freedom in Sobriety Guaranteed
In sobriety the confusion clears as the fog lifts in layers
and I find myself more available than ever to the sweetness of the
relationships in my life. As I
begin to drop the rocks that have been weighing me down for so long and my
character defenses begin integrate into an experience of greater wholeness, I
find myself grateful for all of the love in my life. I am taking things less personally than I ever have
before and becoming more clear about what my part in each situation is. This clarity from the confusion that
used to baffle me is one of the greatest gifts of sobriety. I begin to sense myself with a
compassion that I have never had before and therefore treat others with more of
the compassion that they deserve.
When I got to the program I just wanted to stop drinking and realize now
that my ego was so out of check that some part of me believed that stopping the
drinking would be the cure all.
The truth is that the twelve steps are a deep, powerful and, sequential
spiritual program which breeds a freedom that I couldn’t have fathomed before. The truth is that the program offers
the opportunity to experience the truth at the center of it all which is that
we live in a dynamically and powerfully loving world. I was speaking with someone who may be experiencing active
addiction and she expressed not feeling supported or loved for who she is…. a
feeling, that as she shared, I remembered feeling so often in my
addiction. She also expressed a
tangible sense of confusion and separation from what is good in the world. This conversation shed light on how far
I have come in sobriety. Generally
I feel so connected to Love through the people, situations and environments in
my life. In sobriety I have been
more forgiven and supported than I would have thought possible. I have begun to really sense the
goodness that lies at the center of every human heart and through my conscious
yes to the Divine Plan for my life I have aligned myself with ever deepening
experiences of how truly Good God is, at the core of it all. I guess what I am saying is that
through my sobriety I am finding myself closer to the core of Truth, to the
Core of Love and Life and God. The
fog is lifting and my evolutionary path is consistent, tangible and sets me
more free every day. My deepest
prayer is that you begin to sense your place on this path of expanding
freedom. Blessings of Love.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
By Way of 6 & 7 the Ego Becomes, Rightfully, the Servant of My Divine Purpose
“ The Universal Mind contains all knowledge. It is the potential ultimate of all
things. To It, all things are
possible…Should all the wisdom of the Universe be poured over us, we should
receive only that which we are ready to understand. This is why some draw one type of knowledge and some
another, and all from the same source –
the Source of all knowledge. The
scientist discovers the principles of his science, the artist embodies the
spirit of his art, the Saint draws Christ into his being – all because they
have courted the particular presence of some definite concept.” Ernest Holmes
Oh, a sweet softening in my experience of life this morning. A softening in my life, as a result of
the strengthening and up-leveling my program. I skipped a yoga seminar last night due to a strong internal
nudge that I needed a meeting and yet as the hours grew closer to 8pm when the
meeting was to start, my disease had almost convinced me that it would be
better to stay home and watch a movie or tv or do some other non-live giving
activity. This, mind you is the
justification of the alcoholic/egoic mind within me whose goal is to keep me
small in life. I am learning now
that the point is not to rid myself of the ego completely for it is the very
frame of my soul. One of the greatest ways for the sure fire success of my
ego’s drive would be for me to drink again. My goal now is to have my ego be the servant of my
soul and not the other way around; To have my ego be a beautiful kaleidescope
through which the Spirit of life pours itself into the world. The voice of the
program is finally getting loud enough for me to hear it in the midst of a
downward spiral and last night I heard the collective voice of AA say “the most
important meeting to go to is the one you don’t want to go to,” and this time,
thankfully, I had the willingness to follow. As I settled nervously (mind you… the alcoholic in me
being the anxiety for it was about to be put to sleep once again) into my seat
it became eminently clear that God was once again, tailoring my life and the
messages exactly to my needs….not always my wants….but always my needs. You see, I am in the midst of working
steps 6 & 7 right now and of course, guess what the meeting topic was? Step 6 & 7! Step 6 & 7 for me are about
clearing “the stuff”; the beliefs and defenses which no longer serve me. These
are the dark spots in the kaleidescope of my life’s unique expression in the
world. My kaleidescope is my ego, my personality, my body of affairs. Through the process of step 6:
Becoming willing to have God remove every defect of character which stands in
the way of my usefulness to God and my fellows
and step 7: humbly asking God to remove these defects of character are the way in which my ego can come into right
relationship with my Soul. In this
way the I Am Presence, the God Within Me gains the reigns and the ego becomes
rightfully, the servant of my Divine Purpose. Thank God for this because I am ready for the One Source to
unleash itself as my life in the ways that I have courted It’s presence for so
long. For me, these steps are
about getting the smallness out of the way for the fulfillment of life through
me. When I takes steps 6 & 7 I
am creating space for a deeper understanding of the Universe for I become more
available and receptive and therefore develop a deeper and more authentic
understanding of God as I am not busy clinging to my defenses with the drive to
protect myself. I live in a safe
and loving world today and I trust that implicitly thanks to the clearing of
some of my defenses through these steps.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Just On the Other Side of Fear Is Infinity
Writing this blog is one of the ways that I stay sober – so
thank you for reading. As I settle
back into this beautiful place I call home, I also settle back into my
sobriety. I have been a gypsy soul
for as long as I can remember and now I finally feel myself putting my running
shoes into my closet. What comes
with “settling in” is sort of a requirement from the Universe to face fears and
emotions that get lost in the dust of the constant running that I am so
accustomed to. My feelings states
range from Bliss to Fear and Stagnation… and you know what, I’m learning that
this is ok. I think I used to
reject or resist any feeling that did not fall under the category of “good”
because, in my egoic mind, it somehow made me less spiritual to feel less than
happy 100%J of the time. What a
load of sh** - how can I possibly feel joy without feeling pain? Can I simply be with my pain in the
knowing that it is the server of my joy? I realized the other day a new
compassion and respect in my soul for others on the journey who are
experiencing fear. Now, I clearly
so those on a dedicated spiritual path in their pain and know that it does not
mean that they are not applying the Principles correctly or are not up to their
spiritual practice in the ways that they should be. Now, I realize that it is probably exactly the opposite of
what I had surmised…. those feeling their fear are on the courageous journey of
spiritual evolution and development – on the same path of evolution and
enlightenment that I am on. So, I
face my fear head on and share openly and honestly about it, not running from
it and not covering it up, knowing that I am not identified by this fear but
rather it is that which I am releasing from clouding my true identity which
lies right beneath it. In
actuality, by sharing my fears with others, I am releasing my identification
with it. The only true dissipation
of unwanted fear is through me an out into the world. What I am also finding is a real experience of the layers
upon layers of my being. I am
finding that as I peel back one layer of conditioning (those beliefs that a
mass group of people holds, that I came to adopt about the world), I find an
authentic strand of life within me.
I find a belief or an opportunity to plant a belief which serves my life
purpose…something I truly believe about life. Sometimes, as soon as I ground myself in truth I find that
there is another layer of conditioning to peel back and the process
continues. Sometimes it feels
tedious but the general expansion of my consciousness that occurs after each of
these cycles is the value in life that I always seek. In yoga, I often hear a teacher say to “breathe into the
space that you feel the tightness” and without questioning it I find myself
breathing life into the tightness and creating space for a new belief and
therefore experience of my body to emerge. In the space of this expansiveness in my body I find new
life revealing itself to me. The
cycle and the avenues are there for our mind, body and spirit. Upon the foundation of sobriety I have
the chance to create space and experience never-ending waves of awe as Life’s
vitality washes over me. Just on the other side of fear is a new and brilliant experience of infinity. Face every fear with the intention of walking through it. Much Love
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Centered In the Midst
“If you aren’t centered your consciousness follows whatever
catches its attention.” - Michael
A. Singer The Untethered Soul
Letting go in the moment is so much easier than unwinding
the pain train that was exalted in a moment where we chose the fear over
letting go and remaining in our seat of centered consciousness. Remaining in our seats of centered
consciousness relies upon an awareness that there is something observing our
thoughts, emotions and feelings.
Once aware of this higher self within oneself we can begin to “witness”
those energetic bodies that are moving through us. While drinking or using we are at the mercy of the drug and
when we first get sober our survival instincts run the show…. When is our next
meal? How long before this meeting
is over so that I can have the temporary relief of a cigarette? When do I get to go to sleep? Slowly, slowly as we come out of the
haze we ride the pink cloud for a while and soak all of the love of the
fellowship and the strength and wisdom of our sponsors. But then there comes the time when
through the 4th,5th,8th and 9th
steps we begin to dredge up the stuff that’s been living dormant at the base of
our being, weighing us down. We
have spent so long pretending that this stuff doesn’t belong to us or simply
hiding from the world. We think to
ourselves, “if anyone gets to close they will know that I did these shameful
things and think I am a bad person.”
But the truly dedicated seeker goes through a very messy time in their
journey. For some this can last
years and others just a few months – it really depends on how much and how
deeply we have stored this stuff.
It also depends on how honestly and willingly we work on ourselves
through spiritual principle. This
stage of our evolution can feel very dark and confusing and yet it is
absolutely a necessary part of our journey, a right of passage through to the
higher realms of being. So don’t
be afraid to get messy, anyone who is truly evolved in consciousness has walked
through their dark nights. When
this stuff starts to come up and out, it is as important as ever to find the
seat of centered consciousness within yourself and stay in it… stay identified
with it. Tell yourself over and
over in the moments that challenge you that make you want to jump on the
exhausting pain train of whirlwind emotion, “I am not my thoughts, I let go, I
am not my thoughts, I let go, I am not my thoughts, I am not this pain, I let
go. This too shall pass, I remain
centered in the seat of my soul and allow the flood of emotion to move through
my open heart.” Start to practice
this and you’ll start to feel empowered and free like never before. Love Out!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Awakening to the Miracles of Community
We sat in the car outside the meeting as the rain poured
down on the windows, and we healed together. The first miracle of my day today was the opportunity to
secretary a meeting and to be of service in a city I don’t live in, along Lake Union’s
waters edge in a yacht club. The
second miracle was an opportunity to say thank you and please forgive me to an
old sponsor who was a fantastic sponsor and yet we didn’t always see eye to
eye. We had a moving
conversation that was beautiful and challenging all in different moments throughout and with the rain pattering down on the window and the movement of
Spirit in my body I began to sense and tap into the Principle of flow. A gentle flow of life moving so beautifully
through the expansiveness of my being. An expansiveness that has been co-created by all of the
wonderful mentors and friends in my life lately. An expansiveness that has been created by my fourth and fifth steps(the three that I have done this year but especially as a result of the work I did at the retreat last weekend) An expansiveness which I showed up for, even when it has been
tough. It has been so tough at times, to the point where I wondered for just a moment… do I need some
medication to get me through this?
No, folks, this is the real deal.
The real deal is sustainable and builds upon itself into new experiences
and it comes with its fair share of ups and downs. It has become increasingly clear to me that as a sober woman
I don’t have the option to just check out anymore… sometimes I wish we could
take safe vacations from sobriety but it’s just not a healthy option and sooo,
being with the pain of the world when it rises like a wave is the choice I have
that is in alignment with my goals and dreams… so I take it in and I breathe it out. I followed an intuitive nudge to a yoga
class this morning which was so beautiful because the instructor invited us all
to gather at the front of the room when class begun. With slight hesitation wondering why we would begin class in
such a way we all gathered. She
said “I just want to check in with you about how you are feeling about the
shootings yesterday.” Wow! Wow!
Wow! After a moment of awe filled
silence, people began to share their feelings and thoughts on the matter and
once again I was in place for a deep and powerful healing with others. When two or more gather in the name of
Good, miracles happen. I have
already been privy to two of these sessions this morning. It is evident that there is truth in the notion that the day
of the lone wolf is over as people are hungry from a deeper place than ever to be bathed in the love of community. This is being demonstrated by the budding communities
and gatherings around the world...just today in the dressing room before yoga I smiled as I listened to a woman talking about moving to Peru to build a spiritual retreat center where all paths lead to the same One God... deep smile. Together we face and perservere through the darkness that marks the
dawning of a new day in the world.
I believe the world is going to be unrecognizable in a good way in our
lifetimes and perhaps in the very near future. I believe that we are in the midst of the biggest paradigm
shift ever. Therefore I know that
now more than ever before my sobriety, spiritual practice and the activation of
my deepest levels of faith are of the utmost importance, as are yours. Show up for the miracle of two or more
gathered and be as honest as you possibly know how to be. The world is dying to be born anew
through you, your honesty and your courage today. Join us as we trudge the darkness that will soon fade to the
light. Love, Honesty, Light and
Courage to you this day.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Don't Look Back, Dig In
Two shootings within a half hour and several suicides in the
last few weeks, doesn’t it seem that there is some type of exodus happening on
the planet? I have gotten into
this conversation with a few of my close friends in recent weeks. Often times we conclude that some
really great souls are being called to a better place…. some parallel Universe
needs them for some giant cause on another plane, right? Or is it simply that we as a planet are
walking through the darkness before the greatest light? When I came out of yoga today feeling
refreshed and somewhat renewed after a rough morning, my sister informed me
that two shootings had occurred in the city and police were advising us to take
precaution as both suspects are on the loose. It drew me back to the question that I have been asking
myself lately…is it just me…. or is there a darkness in the world that is
tangible to the masses. I surmise that yes, we are as challenged as we every have been and I am
so grateful to have the tools of AA because it seems that in a moments notice I
can find myself down the rabbit hole… then I start using the tools on my list to drive myself back into the light... 1.) calling my sponsor 2.) writing this blog 3.) getting to a meeting 4.)
reading out of the book 5.) finding another (preferably alcoholic) to help 6.)
Pray/meditate… and recently
having the profound experience of doing deep inner work the way the original
founders of 12 steps had originally intended it. We did this in a 12-step retreat format whereby the creators created a loving
container established in the unconditionally loving consciousness of two ministers who have long time sobriety and an
intention powerful enough to offer the first true taste of freedom that every
single one of the 25 people had felt in a LONG time. Rev. Heather Venegas and Rev Collin King taught us the
difference between sand box spirituality that includes drive by prayers and one aspect of the program too heavily relied upon AND real deal spirituality whereby you get to the the nitty gritty of it all. They walked us “into the woods” of our
consciousness and introduced us to our “little me’s” which they call
“passengers” who took up jobs as we experienced the really tough shit in our
lives and although we have grown into what is often a much more stable
environment and life my little 5 year old warrior is busy protecting me as if
we were still in the warzone of my childhood. I now understand the 4th and 5th step like I never have before. Now I am free to take care of the little me's that like to run the show and harmonize them with the woman
I am today, assuring them that I(the grown woman) am connected with God and
together we have it(life) handled… she is now free to play and be loved up by me. I am learning such a keen awareness of
myself that I am automatically empowered into greater heights of
existence. I suggest the deep
quick work which requires a level of vulnerability in the safety of
facilitators who have done their work and live Love. As I dive through the layers of my soul I too see, sense and
feel the pressure of the world, calling me to rise or die baby… staying the
same just isn’t gonna cut it in this paradigm shift. Link up and dig in.
Much Love
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Practice Especially When You Don't Feel Like It
It worked, my super hero life force activation
worked!*!* This morning I
had an awesome opportunity to chair another big meeting along the waters edge,
downtown Seattle, and I feel fantastic! This activation my super hero life force has something
to do with one of the following practices or better yet, all of them put
together. 1st – I
kicked up my prayer practice; I committed more deeply to my meditation; I have
been in better contact with my sponsor; been going to lots of meetings AND(the
things I have added are) I got the prime and beautiful opportunity to help
another alcoholic last night; I have completed my 5th step and begun my 6th
and; I have re-engaged a conscious
gratitude practice. I’m telling
you… I went from the dumpy dumps to feeling GREAT. So activate your super hero life force by taking just a
little time to do a bit of each of these things… it’s worthwhile… the gift is
freedom, joy, happiness, empowerment, serenity, oh and did I say joy and NATURAL
GRATITUDE. My sisters and I were
having a good laugh about my facebook page the other day. I am involved in 365 day Gratitude
Practice where 300 of my closest friends ;-p and I are using our daily status
updates to practice our
gratitude. My oldest sister who
has a very dry sense of humor commented on her thoughts when she sees my daily
updates “oh great, Ash is having another fucking fantastic day again”… lol… we
were all rolling on the floor laughing.
It got me thinking that wow… this is a practice and the point is not to
boast about having another fucking fantastic day but more to put in the forefront of my consciousness
what I have going for me so that I may be a magnet for more of that. Sometimes folks, its' a stretch to list my gratitude and I'm not exactly feeling it... but that is the point of practice... to do it especially when I don't feel like doing it. To break it down by practicing
gratitude, I am excercising my spiritual muscles and expanding my “I already
have” consciousness and therefore receptivity to the All Good of the
Universe. I forgot to practice for
a couple of days, ok so it was a couple of weeks, and non-coincidentally, I started to slip into
somethin’ funkayy! The first two
days of three days that I have been back on my gratitude game didn’t really feel
all that genuine… but it’s a practice people and I did it anyway! "Fake it ‘til you make it," baby! There is something to these annoying little slogans we here
the old timers throwing around the rooms as if we were at a pro-sports arena…
TODAY, my GRATITUDE is the GENUINE, AUTHENTIC Expression of Divinity through
me. Thank you for my sobriety and
my clarity today. Praise and Love
to you and your journey!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Activate Your Real Life Super Hero
What’s the capital T Truth of me? Well, that I am expression of the Infinite Love of
Divinity. No matter how far down
the rabbit hole I have ventured the Truth of Spirit has never changed. No matter how many layers of “stuff” I
have hidden this truth beneath, it is the eternal truth. Got that? Eternal? It’s
the eternal Truth of you too. The 12 steps, yoga and spirituality are
all about peeling back the layers of conditioning of belief systems that no
longer serve the evolution and unleashing of my soul’s desire. You see, there is something that is
planted in me that is mine to be, just as there is something in you that is
planted in you that is yours to be.
At least in my life my happiness is a direct correlation of my
dedication and motivation to be more of the God seed within me. For a while I tried to do
the program as if it was separate from this path of revealing the True me. But I was blind to see that the 12
steps are one of the most powerful tools in becoming the real life superhero
that I am. You have a real life
super hero stashed inside of you too.
Your super hero may be a singer, a poet, a traveler who treks the
highest peaks, a lawyer, a professional athlete, a philanthropist…. Whatever it
is, these 12 steps and yoga are about harmonizing ourselves with our superhero
within. I went to a Spiritual
Conference in LA a few weeks ago and did some breath work with a company called
doasone.com – incredible! One of the founders Rabya Hyak who co-lead this
breath work was talking about how breath work is the life force of the super
hero. The breath work was
profoundly powerful creating the experience of feeling cleansed and light and
providing the space for me to drop into one of the most powerful meditations of
my life. Anyway, it got me
thinking about each of us as real life super heros…. and for this dreamer,
that’s perfect. I believe we are
real life super heros. The
quickest way to take our life forces away are to put substances in our
bodies. It’s the false
non-sustainable, short lived mini-version of what we are meant to feel, for
real. The search and the practice
may be longer than popping a pill, smoking dope or drinking alcohol but it’s
the REAL activation of the same chemicals in our bodies. I’d rather feel the consistent, subtle buzz of a
real and natural high than plug myself with the false. I am going for the full activation of
my real life super hero powers today through my meditation, prayer work, breath
work and fellowship. I remember that I am the Divine bursting forth as Infinite Love and Divinity and from this place my super hero powers are activated. Sobriety is my launching point.
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