Lean In Baby

“Lean in baby.”  It’s the whisper I hear at the center of me.  I have a pattern of not reaching out for the kind of support that I need when I am “going through it.”  You see, if I am really honest with myself I have had periods of feeling pretty glum since my accident on Friday.  Because of my sobriety the ups and downs of my ebbs and flows are not quite as pronounced as they used to be in my drinking days – in fact, they are not even close.  So, I almost don’t recognize when I am having some intense but appropriately and proportionately sized emotion in accordance with something or a set of things that is going on in my life.  I think I realized this when I got an email from my sponsor saying “you can feel free to call me, especially after big things like an accident.”  It almost brought tears to my eyes for I sensed for a moment my pride, tendency to isolate when things get tough and, self reliance.  These are the “growing edges” that threaten my well-being today.  This is exactly what I was to explore as a part of this weeks step work.  You see, I believe that there is only God, that God is the very life that is living itself everywhere I look…. In every person, place, situation, flower, wave, grain of sound.  So as I pray within and ask for guidance within I must then look for and reach out to the correlatory support in the world.  God is in my sponsor and if I need God’s support than I need to pick up the phone and call my sponsor when I experience the trauma of a car accident.  God is my friends, the rooms, my mat, my boss and all need to be included through the avenue of my vulnerability and each will somehow become a part of my wellness plan.  That is what I am in right now, I am in some type of recovery pattern after my accident – I am recognizing the importance of recognizing my place on this particular cycle which IS occurring in my life.  Whether my strong, independent self cares to admit it or not, recognizing this is the launching place for the wellness plan I just mentioned.  It’s tough to say, I need help….. I need help and I don’t even know what kind of help I need…. maybe it’s as simple and profound as your loving ear without any need to give advice, maybe it’s a nudge to get to a meeting, maybe an invite to a yoga class, a hike or a coffee, maybe it’s a “welcome” after a meeting.  Who knows…. I’ll leave the answers to God and allow God to demonstrate itself through you and the ways you are inclined to show up in my life.  It’s asking for help without expectation.  It’s being sincere when we “are in it,” and not feeling like I have to run from every single tough situation because after a childhood of drama, I have learned to only be comfortable in the stability.  I have an area within me for growth as far as having compassion for those who always seem to be in the thick of the drama.  I declare peace and stability in my life but I now know that I need you guys and you guys need me to be vulnerable and real in order to be on “the village” that continues to raise me.  Thank you sweetly for reading today and if I know you personally, thank you for being an angel in my life.  I am eternally grateful to share from this place, with you.  Blessings