“The great obsession of every alcoholic/addict is that they will once again drink like a normal person.” I dragged myself to a morning meeting yesterday after several long days of working and plenty of time since my last meeting which is the equation for resistance to going to a meeting. Have you ever noticed that resistance grows the further we get from our last meeting. I do – big time. They say that you are either one step closer to your next drink or one step closer to your sobriety. I hadn’t gotten this in previous attempts at sobriety but this time I have the gift and the curse of being more keenly aware of what is going on for me. When I sat down in my seat and open my ears to hear the message, I couldn’t believe it, once again God had delivered a message directly to me. I got a dose of exactly what the doctor ordered and exactly what I needed to hear. I am so good at getting caught up in all of the gifts of my life, which are a direct result of the program and my resulting sobriety. Would you believe it…. I even start getting resentful that I have to go to meetings at all. It’s so silly but sadly it’s true. This time though, I know that the resentment that I feel is my disease trying to disguise itself as some real or healthy part of me that should have some type of say in it all. “No, disease” I tell it “you are tagged and flagged and this time I know it is you.” Not only do I know when it is my disease talking but I have at least a few tools in the old “program toolbox” to throw at it. 1.) Go to a meeting. 2.) Call another alcoholic AND out yourself, your thoughts, your disease, give light to what your disease is thinking(before you think it is you that is thinking these thoughts.) 3.) Read the Big Book(I’ve done it and somehow it really works.) 4.) Make a gratitude list. 5.) Find someone to serve. See, so there are 5 tools off the top of my head to use. I am going to use one of them here and say that my disease has for the first time in this period of sobriety thought of the old “down the line, drinking.” You know… when I am old and gray and have accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish THEN I can have a drink. What the heavens**** am I thinking. As my sponsor says, only an alcoholic is going to think of a drink that far away. What I glean from this…. I need more meetings! My program is definitely not up to snuff and I am headed for trouble if I don’t take action. God is working for me in mysterious ways for the woman that spoke yesterday morning read the story of the man who got sober at a young age and went on to be hugely successful and at the age of 55 or so he retired and rewarded himself with his slippers and a bottle. Within two months he was in the hospital and within 4 years he was dead. True freedom in sobriety is loving life sober and recognizing that we are not actually missing anything at all. I return in my memory to the beginning of this period of sobriety and remember the willingness to do anything to have a different life. I am blessed to have a very different life and without even knowing it I almost re-prioritized something ahead of the very priority that gifted me with this beautiful life…. Sobriety is First. Period.
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