Saturday, April 21, 2012

The Sponsor Dr Is Ordering A Little More Humility


After 5 weeks taking a thorough inventory in my 4th step I finally did my fifth step with my sponsor yesterday and for the rest of yesterday I teetered on intensity and tears.   Some people experience pure bliss at the culmination of their 5th step but for me I am learning to embrace my journey just the way it is.  To love myself more than anyone else could love me by allowing myself and nurturing myself through any and all emotion that comes up.  It’s time for me to stop shoving it down and turning away from myself.

 This has been one of the toughest years of my life and in the same sense, one of the best.  This is the first time I have lost a close friend ever and to the disease, this is the first year I have been in a major car accident and although not the first year but still an addition to the sum total of my challenges, I have been in conflict on the work front.  There have been moments of pure bliss and a lot of moments of what I can only describe as feeling “blah.” But the coolest part of it all is that I know that I am on track, in alignment and in integrity with my soul’s calling.  I think I have held back on 5th steps or in sharing in general because I wanted to preserve my identity as “a very spiritual person.”  Yesterday I shared it as honestly as possible and my sponsoring was loving enough to be blatently honest in return and she reflected back to me a tough nut to swallow.  I am now to look at my ego’s tendency to be grandiose and to once again seek more humility.  It’s tough because I feel like the Universe has been humbling me practicially my whole life and just when I think I am in correct alignment or “right sized” in God, someone reminds me that there is more work to be done in this area.  My mom also so sweetly chimed in yesterday on my “character defects.”  She reminded me of how intense I can be and although I think she is remembering my using days, she was honest enough to share that she felt I took my anger out on those around me.  The only reason I share this so honestly here is because I am ready to move through this, to soften this edge of mine and to embrace being humble and gentle on myself and others.  I believe I have grown a lot in this area through working the steps and in my sobriety but clearly there is always more work to be done and for now, this is mine. 

I surrender and release the need to be right, to be bigger to be better, to be further along to be less than to beat myself up to be compared in any which way to anyone along the path.  I embrace individuals for exactly where they are on their journey and allow them to be fully in that moment without any need to draw them along or help them to what I perceive to be better place.  I allow and align with the Truth that God is being Itself perfectly through ALL of life.  I am right sized in God.

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