We sat in the car outside the meeting as the rain poured
down on the windows, and we healed together. The first miracle of my day today was the opportunity to
secretary a meeting and to be of service in a city I don’t live in, along Lake Union’s
waters edge in a yacht club. The
second miracle was an opportunity to say thank you and please forgive me to an
old sponsor who was a fantastic sponsor and yet we didn’t always see eye to
eye. We had a moving
conversation that was beautiful and challenging all in different moments throughout and with the rain pattering down on the window and the movement of
Spirit in my body I began to sense and tap into the Principle of flow. A gentle flow of life moving so beautifully
through the expansiveness of my being. An expansiveness that has been co-created by all of the
wonderful mentors and friends in my life lately. An expansiveness that has been created by my fourth and fifth steps(the three that I have done this year but especially as a result of the work I did at the retreat last weekend) An expansiveness which I showed up for, even when it has been
tough. It has been so tough at times, to the point where I wondered for just a moment… do I need some
medication to get me through this?
No, folks, this is the real deal.
The real deal is sustainable and builds upon itself into new experiences
and it comes with its fair share of ups and downs. It has become increasingly clear to me that as a sober woman
I don’t have the option to just check out anymore… sometimes I wish we could
take safe vacations from sobriety but it’s just not a healthy option and sooo,
being with the pain of the world when it rises like a wave is the choice I have
that is in alignment with my goals and dreams… so I take it in and I breathe it out. I followed an intuitive nudge to a yoga
class this morning which was so beautiful because the instructor invited us all
to gather at the front of the room when class begun. With slight hesitation wondering why we would begin class in
such a way we all gathered. She
said “I just want to check in with you about how you are feeling about the
shootings yesterday.” Wow! Wow!
Wow! After a moment of awe filled
silence, people began to share their feelings and thoughts on the matter and
once again I was in place for a deep and powerful healing with others. When two or more gather in the name of
Good, miracles happen. I have
already been privy to two of these sessions this morning. It is evident that there is truth in the notion that the day
of the lone wolf is over as people are hungry from a deeper place than ever to be bathed in the love of community. This is being demonstrated by the budding communities
and gatherings around the world...just today in the dressing room before yoga I smiled as I listened to a woman talking about moving to Peru to build a spiritual retreat center where all paths lead to the same One God... deep smile. Together we face and perservere through the darkness that marks the
dawning of a new day in the world.
I believe the world is going to be unrecognizable in a good way in our
lifetimes and perhaps in the very near future. I believe that we are in the midst of the biggest paradigm
shift ever. Therefore I know that
now more than ever before my sobriety, spiritual practice and the activation of
my deepest levels of faith are of the utmost importance, as are yours. Show up for the miracle of two or more
gathered and be as honest as you possibly know how to be. The world is dying to be born anew
through you, your honesty and your courage today. Join us as we trudge the darkness that will soon fade to the
light. Love, Honesty, Light and
Courage to you this day.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Don't Look Back, Dig In
Two shootings within a half hour and several suicides in the
last few weeks, doesn’t it seem that there is some type of exodus happening on
the planet? I have gotten into
this conversation with a few of my close friends in recent weeks. Often times we conclude that some
really great souls are being called to a better place…. some parallel Universe
needs them for some giant cause on another plane, right? Or is it simply that we as a planet are
walking through the darkness before the greatest light? When I came out of yoga today feeling
refreshed and somewhat renewed after a rough morning, my sister informed me
that two shootings had occurred in the city and police were advising us to take
precaution as both suspects are on the loose. It drew me back to the question that I have been asking
myself lately…is it just me…. or is there a darkness in the world that is
tangible to the masses. I surmise that yes, we are as challenged as we every have been and I am
so grateful to have the tools of AA because it seems that in a moments notice I
can find myself down the rabbit hole… then I start using the tools on my list to drive myself back into the light... 1.) calling my sponsor 2.) writing this blog 3.) getting to a meeting 4.)
reading out of the book 5.) finding another (preferably alcoholic) to help 6.)
Pray/meditate… and recently
having the profound experience of doing deep inner work the way the original
founders of 12 steps had originally intended it. We did this in a 12-step retreat format whereby the creators created a loving
container established in the unconditionally loving consciousness of two ministers who have long time sobriety and an
intention powerful enough to offer the first true taste of freedom that every
single one of the 25 people had felt in a LONG time. Rev. Heather Venegas and Rev Collin King taught us the
difference between sand box spirituality that includes drive by prayers and one aspect of the program too heavily relied upon AND real deal spirituality whereby you get to the the nitty gritty of it all. They walked us “into the woods” of our
consciousness and introduced us to our “little me’s” which they call
“passengers” who took up jobs as we experienced the really tough shit in our
lives and although we have grown into what is often a much more stable
environment and life my little 5 year old warrior is busy protecting me as if
we were still in the warzone of my childhood. I now understand the 4th and 5th step like I never have before. Now I am free to take care of the little me's that like to run the show and harmonize them with the woman
I am today, assuring them that I(the grown woman) am connected with God and
together we have it(life) handled… she is now free to play and be loved up by me. I am learning such a keen awareness of
myself that I am automatically empowered into greater heights of
existence. I suggest the deep
quick work which requires a level of vulnerability in the safety of
facilitators who have done their work and live Love. As I dive through the layers of my soul I too see, sense and
feel the pressure of the world, calling me to rise or die baby… staying the
same just isn’t gonna cut it in this paradigm shift. Link up and dig in.
Much Love
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Practice Especially When You Don't Feel Like It
It worked, my super hero life force activation
worked!*!* This morning I
had an awesome opportunity to chair another big meeting along the waters edge,
downtown Seattle, and I feel fantastic! This activation my super hero life force has something
to do with one of the following practices or better yet, all of them put
together. 1st – I
kicked up my prayer practice; I committed more deeply to my meditation; I have
been in better contact with my sponsor; been going to lots of meetings AND(the
things I have added are) I got the prime and beautiful opportunity to help
another alcoholic last night; I have completed my 5th step and begun my 6th
and; I have re-engaged a conscious
gratitude practice. I’m telling
you… I went from the dumpy dumps to feeling GREAT. So activate your super hero life force by taking just a
little time to do a bit of each of these things… it’s worthwhile… the gift is
freedom, joy, happiness, empowerment, serenity, oh and did I say joy and NATURAL
GRATITUDE. My sisters and I were
having a good laugh about my facebook page the other day. I am involved in 365 day Gratitude
Practice where 300 of my closest friends ;-p and I are using our daily status
updates to practice our
gratitude. My oldest sister who
has a very dry sense of humor commented on her thoughts when she sees my daily
updates “oh great, Ash is having another fucking fantastic day again”… lol… we
were all rolling on the floor laughing.
It got me thinking that wow… this is a practice and the point is not to
boast about having another fucking fantastic day but more to put in the forefront of my consciousness
what I have going for me so that I may be a magnet for more of that. Sometimes folks, its' a stretch to list my gratitude and I'm not exactly feeling it... but that is the point of practice... to do it especially when I don't feel like doing it. To break it down by practicing
gratitude, I am excercising my spiritual muscles and expanding my “I already
have” consciousness and therefore receptivity to the All Good of the
Universe. I forgot to practice for
a couple of days, ok so it was a couple of weeks, and non-coincidentally, I started to slip into
somethin’ funkayy! The first two
days of three days that I have been back on my gratitude game didn’t really feel
all that genuine… but it’s a practice people and I did it anyway! "Fake it ‘til you make it," baby! There is something to these annoying little slogans we here
the old timers throwing around the rooms as if we were at a pro-sports arena…
TODAY, my GRATITUDE is the GENUINE, AUTHENTIC Expression of Divinity through
me. Thank you for my sobriety and
my clarity today. Praise and Love
to you and your journey!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Activate Your Real Life Super Hero
What’s the capital T Truth of me? Well, that I am expression of the Infinite Love of
Divinity. No matter how far down
the rabbit hole I have ventured the Truth of Spirit has never changed. No matter how many layers of “stuff” I
have hidden this truth beneath, it is the eternal truth. Got that? Eternal? It’s
the eternal Truth of you too. The 12 steps, yoga and spirituality are
all about peeling back the layers of conditioning of belief systems that no
longer serve the evolution and unleashing of my soul’s desire. You see, there is something that is
planted in me that is mine to be, just as there is something in you that is
planted in you that is yours to be.
At least in my life my happiness is a direct correlation of my
dedication and motivation to be more of the God seed within me. For a while I tried to do
the program as if it was separate from this path of revealing the True me. But I was blind to see that the 12
steps are one of the most powerful tools in becoming the real life superhero
that I am. You have a real life
super hero stashed inside of you too.
Your super hero may be a singer, a poet, a traveler who treks the
highest peaks, a lawyer, a professional athlete, a philanthropist…. Whatever it
is, these 12 steps and yoga are about harmonizing ourselves with our superhero
within. I went to a Spiritual
Conference in LA a few weeks ago and did some breath work with a company called
doasone.com – incredible! One of the founders Rabya Hyak who co-lead this
breath work was talking about how breath work is the life force of the super
hero. The breath work was
profoundly powerful creating the experience of feeling cleansed and light and
providing the space for me to drop into one of the most powerful meditations of
my life. Anyway, it got me
thinking about each of us as real life super heros…. and for this dreamer,
that’s perfect. I believe we are
real life super heros. The
quickest way to take our life forces away are to put substances in our
bodies. It’s the false
non-sustainable, short lived mini-version of what we are meant to feel, for
real. The search and the practice
may be longer than popping a pill, smoking dope or drinking alcohol but it’s
the REAL activation of the same chemicals in our bodies. I’d rather feel the consistent, subtle buzz of a
real and natural high than plug myself with the false. I am going for the full activation of
my real life super hero powers today through my meditation, prayer work, breath
work and fellowship. I remember that I am the Divine bursting forth as Infinite Love and Divinity and from this place my super hero powers are activated. Sobriety is my launching point.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Exploring My Creativity
When I am too attached to the outcome I can’t possibly let
life flow with the sheer loving power and intelligence that it would without my
arms wrapped so tightly around it with my plan. Here in lies my exploration of my creativity? I was asked the other day, what kind of
speaker are you, extemporaneous(a word I had to look up which means with little
or no preparation) or planned?
This is a question I have been exploring over the year and have
adamantly identified myself as indeed an extemparneous type but in the past
week and with a revelation in my morning meditation I think I might just be a
little bit of both. I am finding
that creativity moves from the heart AND it has intelligence, clarity and power
when it is expressed in a structure.
As someone who’s primary drive in life is dedicated to discovering and
unleashing the creativity at the center of my soul, you bet it’s my business to
be in the inquiry of the quality and nature of creativity. What I mean by this is that with my
recent exploration of creativity I am finding myself abandoning such one
sidedness with the idea that it’s only those who spontaneously unleash from the
heart that win my respect of their creativity. It is true that creativity is and must be unleashed from the
heart but I think it can be supported, magnified and gain clarity and therefore
power if there is some structure provided for it’s flow. Now I am seeing more broadly as I begin
to understand that there can be a loose plan or structure, a framework for the
creativity to flow. Without any
real attachment, I have a desire that my creativity be a gift to those around
me. I have a true desire to
express myself beautifully, lovingly and impactfully. So, I study those who express their soul’s gift beautifully,
lovingly and impactfully. What I
am noticing is that a.) the language of the creator is always of the heart and
b.) that some creators are best expressed through a framework of mild
preparation. Mediocrity for me is
doing less than my best. It is
opening the nozzle of my creativity only partially and leaving knowing that I
could have opened it up all the way.
Simply in that knowing I feel the presence of mediocrity. I am again breaking my agreements with
mediocrity and tapping my creativity with the intention to open the nozzle all
the way, which is why for now I will also prepare a strong framework for my
creativity to flow. If you are
wondering where this is all coming from I will tell you that recently I had two
opportunities to be creative in healing forums. First, I chaired a giant meeting and second, I led a
meditation at church. In both
cases I left with the feeling that I had re-engaged my agreements with
mediocrity. In both cases I did
little to prepare. Because my life
is the tapestry of my creativity and there is no other higher aspiration than
for my creativity to be lovingly unleashed, these two instances are rich
opportunities for my growth. I
could just let them go or I can pay attention to the “bummer” feeling that I
felt and recognize that it is pointing to an area of my growth. I am sober to tap into my greatness, to
recognize your greatness and to participate in this world in profound and
powerful ways. The most powerful
way to participate in life, in my eyes, is to be the most authentically
creative expression of love that I can be. Dedicate yourself to this with me.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Grateful for My Friends
Another beautiful Sunday jam packed with Spiritual
Beauty. During the week I have
been cracked open to the experience of Love from close friends… a group of
individuals that I began my journey with a number of years ago. Over the years we have witnessed each
other’s growth through the pain, the joy, the girlfriends and boyfriends, death
of loved ones, celebrating triumphs and supporting each other through
losses. All in all, this group of
people are very special to me and I am steeped in Gratitude for their
love. Although I will be leaving
them here in Seattle in a few weeks I am glad that a new stage of my ripening
has occurred and I have realized from a deeper place how blessed I am to have a
group of people like these. I
realize how important it is to consciously choose my friends. To choose people who are interested in
Love and Dreams and in having high thought conversations. To chose people who hold me to my
best when I am playing small and remind me of who I am when I am genuinely beat
down by the hurly burly of the world.
A friend said to me the other night after a bliss filled evening of
purpose and passion filled conversation… “don’t be a stranger, Ash.” I’ve heard it so many times
before and I know my propensity to get lost in the adventure and be bouncing
from group to group. But now, it
is my time to serve the place of stability and accountability in my friendships. I need my tribe… my family in order to both
survive and thrive. I have a
joyful responsibility to participate in their dreams unfolding too. I am sober to be in powerful and
profound relationship with great people and those that I am connected to
through my blood lines. I am sober
to remain consistently powerful and peaceful in these relationships but mostly
so that I am free to actively and dynamically participate in relationships and
life!! I lean into the love of my
friends today and allow my human self to be as imperfect as it needs to be.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Drop The Rock & Be Effective
I had a dream that I was moving rocks of all sizes around a
garden and removing old and used wine glasses from my personal bag and putting
them on a shelf. I woke up with a
feeling that I should read a book called Drop the Rock… if I remember correctly I think this is a 6th
and 7th step AA approved literature book. Yesterday I had
a fantastic yoga teacher who spent the class facilitating growth in the area of
recognizing the difference between efficiency and effectiveness. “Efficiency” she said “is doing items
two through ten on your to do
list and never getting to the two most important things, effectiveness is doing
now the most impactful thing” for our highest goals in life.
I think I am at
a place in my journey where I am ready to unload some of the burdens – rocks of
judgment of self and others, rocks of shame for things I have done in the past,
rocks of worry for the future, rocks of other peoples feelings that I have been
carrying for years. I am ready to
face the fear and walk through it.
I am ready and standing for an expansion in my perception and to become
the efficient AND effective woman of love and power that I am. I feel myself as I write these words
moving into clear seeing again. I
have been in a tunnel of what has felt like confusion and darkness turning to
the light within me which continued to remind me that although it felt dark, I
was on track and in alignment with my souls purpose and to keep forging the
trail of unknown. I noticed
that this is the time when my disease likes to sneak in and attempt to coerce
me into it’s trap…. Gently presenting itself as a sweet desire to have a glass
of wine or a cold beer, but just like any other time I have continued to make
the choice for my happiness, health and wholeness by not drinking, the
Universe is rewarding me with a life that is better than I could have imagined. It’s crazy to think that I would even
consider trading this for a glass of wine, and yes, I have to remind myself
that if I chose to pick up that drink, I am trading it all in for old grapes
that have been stepped on by somebody’s dirty feet anyhow.
So in the light that I reside I chose again, my “blissipline,”
as Michael Beckwith calls it, over my temptation and I am launched into the
next orbit of my being. It’s just
that sometimes the cycle gets more rigorous than others and I find myself
wrestling with my disease and sometimes it sits quietly in the wings because my
recovery is so strong that there is no place for it to be in my mind. The point is not that I am not doing
something right or wrong. The most
important thing is that I am thoroughly honest about where I am in my
disease. Right now, I am dropping
the rocks, I am releasing my burdens, one by one I am putting them down and at
the same time I am putting my wine-glasses on the shelf. No amount of time means you do or don’t
experience wanting to drink or use again, but not saying something can be the
catalyst – the fast track to trading it all in for another experience of the
same. Stay the course today,
brothers and sisters. Look at your
life the day you began your journey in sobriety and look at your life now…. is
it worth it? Love and Joy to you.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Root Down Ash Girl
“It’s always darkest before the dawn….” -Florence and the Machine
Yep, I have 366 days of consecutive clean time as of this
morning and I keep thinking of the
ridiculousness of the question all of the jokester’s in my life like to ask me
every year when my belly button birthday arrives, “do you feel older?” except, I think the question here is “do
you feel any more sober?” Well, I
suppose I feel about a day older and a day more sober. It is definitely something to be
celebrated and since I got the last section of my fourth step on paper I haven’t
wanted to drink….surprise surprise.
I will say though that I didn’t have a great day yesterday. I found my character defects glaring in
my face, from my face, as me and I cornered myself with my reactivity into a
slump that was a bit hard to get out of. You see, I realized that being the traveler that I am I
have been traveling since the day I got sober and have spent equal amounts of
time in three different parts of the country since my sobriety birthday. My friends joke that they never know
where I am and for a long time with a shit-eating grin on my face I would smile
from my soul knowing that I was perfectly where I was meant to be, all along
the way. Now though, I am craving
home like never before, I am craving home earth that wraps itself so warmly
around the roots of my being and sends serenity through my life. I am craving the beginning of the
chapter of my life that starts at Year One, Day 27 of my sobriety. I am craving
a connection with my sobriety family and freedom from the ways of my gypsy soul
that I may have friends and family who know where I am 90% of the time and
count on me to celebrate momentous days of theirs and mine alike. I miss my sponsor and the friendships
that I haven’t even made yet. I’m
ready to take the lesson and hear the truth that I too want to feel a part of
the community of AA and the Aspen community at large. I relinquish my membership with the Gypsy Soul Club of World
Traveling Mexican Jumping Beans. I
crave home.
I have spent a lot of time praying for clarity in my life
and clarity is exactly what I have received. Everything is unfolding exactly the way I had hoped it would
and now I am met with my next great character defect, Varouka Salt Syndrom “I
want it now, Daddy.” Patience has
never been my fortay… well at least with some areas of my life. So now, I have another glaring
opportunity to expand and grow in yet another way…. I have the opportunity to
practice my patience and complete faith in God’s timing. I need to constantly remind myself that
things are happening God Speed and I am just along for the ride. Today I put my boxing gloves down and
stop wrestling with the momentum of the Universe – it’s tiring. Now that I have a clear look at my
defects of character I turn in steps 6 and 7 toward the only Being that could
ever begin to remove these growing edges, God. I am more than willing that these growing edges be invited by
my willingness back into the nothingness from where they came and my life
soften into the sweet joy that is the natural state of my being. I SURRENDER.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Surrender. Stay. Shine.
I just finished watching Country Strong and the message is still vibrating in resonance in
my body. I can’t help but notice
that it wasn’t until the moment that Gwyneth Paltrow’s character surrendered
completely that she stepped back into her True self. Unfortunately, for her, knowing that she was about to check
out of this world, freed her from the grip of her disease and allowed her to
un-cloak the layers of her ego and reveal the light to shine that was always
waiting to be revealed. And it(her
light) did… big time. I’m coming
to understand that this is exactly what the 12 steps does… it unveils the
layers of the ego and the disease and reveals our connection with Source. You see, that portion of the 4th
step that I have been resisting with so much of me for what seems like forever…
I finally completed to the best of my ability, today. But, first I had to have a revelation regarding my
resistance. Of course as an answer
to my prayer and, intention to complete this step…. God led me to a meeting on
Saturday morning (one I had never been to before) to hear a lead on the 4th
& 5th step that was in and of itself enlightening but paired
with the shares that followed, something was unlocked within me. I realized that a.) My disease did not
want me to acknowledge and address my shame, guilt and remorse(because such it
held such powerful healing in it’s acknowledgement) and so told me that I
didn’t have any(guilt/shame/remorse.)
You should have seen how long this section of my fourth step was… Boy
did I almost have myself fooled.
But I knew something was up because my desire to drink was increasing
despite me increasing my program and sharing my desire to drink as honestly as
possible. Well, to be honest I
wasn’t sharing it enough with my sponsor and there was some hesitation to share
this portion of the 4th step with her. Not because she is not one of the most lovely,
non-judgmental people on the planet who I love and feel so much gratitude for;
not because her story did not involve drugs; not because I don’t trust her(all
questions I had asked myself before in seeking reasons to why I wasn’t completing
this portion of the 4th & 5th), but it finally dawned
on me – I am about to start working with this woman on my dream and we are
going to be serving a very large vision together. My pride and fear did not want her to know the things I feel
shame for because it did not want her to lack respect for me as a leader, a
speaker, a teacher or a facilitator and there certainly is and was something to
be addressed here. I sent her this
portion of my 4th step and asked her to prayerfully consider my
concerns but leaving it up to her is where we stand.
No matter what, I feel about 1000 lbs lighter just having
written that stuff on paper and being willing to share with somebody I
trust. I feel good about
discovering my block and addressing it like a woman. You know what… the desire to drink is completely gone and I
already feel more connected to my program and the people I love so much in the
rooms….those people I am looking forward to being close to when I get back to
Aspen and those sweet souls that welcome me into every meeting I go to. Surrender is first, working the
steps is second, your light will shine brightly again. Love Out
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Celebrate Sustainable Thriving Life
My mental bodies and my physical body are opening in the
wake of my discipline and it is the dawn of a new day. It is in perfect alignment with the
gorgeous morning sunshine resting on the brick buildings of old town Ballard,
one of my favorite neighborhoods in Seattle. Seattle’s famous coffee is brewing and the gentle hum of a
Saturday morning has begun. There
is rich spiritual community here in Seattle and for the next few weeks I am
diving deep into this ocean of rich spirituality and like a sponge I am soaking
up as much as I possibly can before I head home. I feel myself in alignment with my intention to fill up and
spill over with goodness into the world.
It seemed doubtful to my surface mind during the first few days that I
was here that this could hardly be what was occurring but I reminded myself of
the dark night that often comes before the greatest dawn and today…yet another
great dawn of my existence… the
greatest? I would hardly call it
that because I know that my soul is infinite and saying things like the
greatest or the best is a meak attempt by my ego to limit me from the next
greatest dynamic experience of richness that my journey has to offer. 4 honest days away from my one year
sobriety birthday and I feel my disease trying to kick me off the track. One year has some type of milestone for
me for sure….last time it was the milestone which for me meant that I was good
to drink again… hahahaha…I hear my angels laughing because everyone but me knew
this was some type of new heights that my insanity had taken me. So, when my sponsor asked me how I was
feeling about approaching a year… I replied “not nearly excited without the
plan to drink.” I guess this is
bitter sweet because for an alcoholic who’s disease loves to CELEBRATE,
celebrating a year still feels a little dull compared to the party with
champagne and viognier followed by some cold micro brews and topped off with some
whiskey(you know the party that the disease in me would like to celebrate with)
but hey, my life is sustainable and thriving and that my friends is the pure
gift of this program. The truth
is, I LOVE my Life and the shifts for good that have and continue to occur
within me are undeniable MIRACLE after MIRACLE kind of living. I certainly know that the party might
be fun but as Rita says “my only failure would be to trade what I want the most
for what I want in a moment.” Pray
with me that our collective and individual obsession(masked as a sweet desire)
to use whatever, be completely lifted.
I love you so much I choose your sobriety and mine, today!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Get Your Old Stinkin' Self Outta the Way, God's Gotta Good You May Not Be Able to Handle
I had a dream that I was at a ski resort(appropriate for
this ski town girl) that everyone was drinking icy cold, malty, hoppy beer in
frosty glasses(lovely how my alcoholic mind can so romance this little thing
which wants me dead ;-p) and well, to put it simply, (in my dream) I chose to
have just one beer with some random dude with overgrown facial hair and head
hair that looked like it hadn’t been washed in years. The feelings that followed were a mixture of “see, all I
needed was one,” and “do I need to share this in my next meeting” and “perhaps
I can get away with it….I”m just not going to say anything at my next meeting.” I hopped on the chair to the top and
when I got off, I skied across the gorgeous bowl of snow down to an area where
there were three women who had just competed against each other in some type of
ski competition (which without a doubt I would have won) and were being awarded
really cool prizes like big puffy jackets and sweet new ski helmets. As for me… I was too late…. I missed
the contest all together because of WHY?.... because I decided to have a beer
with someone else who’s Spirit and livelihood were dying because of their
disease. The message : don’t
take yourself out of the way of the gifts that are headed your way for a measly beer…. This was just a dream but a very
poignant dream warning me and encouraging me at the same time to hunker down
into my program. I did, I upped my
meetings and my prayer and meditation and my surrender and specifically prayed
to have the desire to drink be removed because I’ll tell you….I’ve been in
recovery and still felt locked up by my desire to use/drink and it is, no
fun!!! I too have been so extremely blessed to feel the way recovery is supposed
to feel(eventually and maybe from day 1… who knows…everyone’s program is
different…but at least eventually) where you are so filled up by way of
purifying the heart through the recovery process and becoming so filled up that
you don’t even want a drink or drug!
That’s the kind of recovery that I want. This morning’s topic was a “total psychic change!” That doesn’t mean a partial change of
old ideas and ways, it means a “total” change and that’s what I intend. When I hear people share about a total
change I know that this is the formula for freedom and the fullness of life
that is possible in sobriety. So,
today as I intend a total psychic change… I throw myself into my recovery…into
my reading, my sharing, the last portion of my fourth step and a phone call to
my sponsor…. I also look for way to help another alcoholic…so if you have any
ideas… let me know. I know my prayers are being heard and my God is nurturing me
through my disease because I have been invited on a full scholarship to an
awesome recovery retreat coming up and to chair a meeting the day after my
sobriety 1 year birthday. Thank
you God… I feel your love in spades.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Consistency and Constancy in My Practice is My Freedom
“I want to be anywhere but here….what I really want to do is
lay down on my mat in this hot heat, the first nice warmth I have felt since I
arrived in Seattle, and take a nap….no not another chatarunga dandassana… why
does my body feel so so heavy…. Hmmmm…. Interesting how crazy my monkey mind is
going right now.” This was
my first yoga class in a few weeks and the first of a 30 day challenge I am
preparing myself with for yoga teacher training. About halfway through a very long but what is normally considered
a very short one hour class I began to feel the walls of stagnant energy
cracking and slowly the energy of my body began to feel more fluid and I knew
and know with all of me that this type of work most definitely carries off of
my mat. So why then do I resist
going again for my scheduled class in a half hour? Why am I sitting here finding a million reasons why today,
on day two of this challenge for myself am I already feeling like it’s ok to
take shortcuts? Interesting how I
do the same things with meetings but always always when I get there and find
myself in the midst of my discipline do I find myself feeling so good? I truly believe that this whole thing
works only if we are consistent in our practices. Yoga, sobriety, spirituality… it really all is a direct
proportionate ratio… what you put/you get out. For example, I spent several long weeks working the hazelden
fourth step with my sponsor and when we finally sat down to do my fifth step I
realized that the entire week where I was supposed to focus upon shame, guilt
and remorse I heard her say BLAME, guilt and remorse and so spent another week
pointing the finder outward. Now
several weeks later not feeling the lightness that usually follows a 5th
step am wondering…a sneaking suspicion you see…. If perhaps this is a major key
to unlocking the freedom that I was so blessed to feel during the majority of
my sobriety. I’ll let you all know
when I complete this if it was this that has been nagging me from the
inside….but somethin’s goin’ on because when a drink starts to look like
somethin’ that might be good….I know that this is a direct call to up the old
program and like a heat seeking missile…pick up the tools and unveil this
little disease of mine which likes to work solo in the dark. I’m putting it out here to all of you
and to my sponsor and to those who are close to me who are advocates of my
sobriety and in the rooms. I am
upping my meetings and using the antidote for my ego’s repeated whispers that I
am somehow different with a cler dedication to finding the Unity and
similarities between myself and others in the rooms. We are one, I Am a true blue alcoholic and there is nothing
that a drink will make better in my life today. Just for today I commit myself to the gift of being sober. Much Love and urgings to take the high
road of consistency with your practice and your program today.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Seeking the Smoothness in Transitioning from Within
Sober straight, free from all mind altering substances for almost a year now and the gifts in my
life continue to blossom. I have
been dreaming of yoga teacher training for years and it appears that I will be
heading off for level 1 training on June 9th. So, the emphasis of this blog will be a
better combination of both yoga and sobriety as I begin a personal 30 day yoga
challenge in preparation for training.
Of course, I am going to make sure that this is the ideal way to prepare
for what is known to be a rigorous week of pushing oneself to their limits,
emotionally, spiritually and physically.
I’m going to admit that I have hit the doldrums a few times where the
wind in my sails seems to be more still than what I am comfortable with. Kundalini yoga is all about finding
your edges and going through them.
The trickiest part for me is to remember that those doldrums are the
edges of my comfort zone, not a permanaent place in time that I am stuck. On Sunday we talked about a reading out
of the Science of Mind text that talked about “swinging from inspiration to
action, contemplation to accomplishment and, from prayer to performance.” I sometimes tend to love being in the
quiet, with God, so much that I struggle to find my footing in this human
reality. I get so raised up by turning
my attention within and turning my attention on high that it has been(once or
twice) less than graceful when I open the outer eye and have my attention
reflecting back to me, this world of effects. I am, currently, in a growth stage as I feel that I am in
gestation… well, to be honest, I hope in the gestational stage and not just
“stagnant.” I believe I am in the
gestational stage and I hear the reminder from within that “it gets darkest
before the light.” I think it
takes a spiritually mature person to walk this kind of faith when the dark
nights of our soul begin to arrive.
It is an honor to have these presented to us by the Uni-verse because in
some fashion it means that we are ready to face the inner patterns which have
held us back for so long. I lack
patience in the process sometimes… I know I lack patience because it almost feels
like if I’m not moving forward at Mach 12 with my hair on fire than I begin to
doubt that there is anything happening at all for my good. Yep, you could say I have a little
growing to do in the arena. So,
today I am committed to remembering that it is ok to surrender the entirety of
my life to the Presence and Power of Good that I call God and allow the tides
of life to gently guide me and wash over me, all the good that I could possible
need. I allow the gifts of the
day, the gifts of sobriety, the gifts of yoga and the gifts of my dedication
over the years to flourish and to be just what they are. I focus myself here in this day, fully
present and available with all of my senses and the harmony of my mind, body
and spirit to the perfection.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Choosing What I Want Most over What I Want in the Moment
“My biggest failure in life is trading what I want the most
for what I want at the moment…”
written on the back of a quote note that an old timer gave me in the
noon meeting today
I didn’t have the chance to stop Rita and thank her again
for gifting me with this quote. I
say “again” because this same old timer with about a million years of sobriety gave me a card with the same
quote on it a few years back during another period of sobriety. I carried that card in my wallet and
found it helpful at the most perfect times along my journey. I even pulled it out at treatment and
shared it with a small group. The
fact is that I had carried it throughout my relapse because it makes so much
sense to me. I get it that there
are those who need to take more risks in life and learn to soak up the moment
for what it is and not be so controlled by the ir plans but for this alcoholic
I have a large enough dose of that in my inherent nature and I think….no, I know…
that there are countless times when I threw away my progress toward something I
wanted in the long run for what I wanted in the moment. Sometimes it wasn’t even about what I
wanted in a moment but a matter of chosing anger in a moment verses peace in
the long run or chosing to want to eat a chocolate bar and sit on the couch in
the moment verses my long term goal of physical, emotional, metnal and
spiritual health and fitness. I
also get it too that we as alcoholics are learning to nurture and care for
ourselves with some tenderness after abusing ourselves for so long but
something I often ask myself now is “am I chosing what I want in this moment
over what I really want most.”
Brothers and Sister s I invite you to join me in taking Rita’s quote and
seeing if it can’t be the platform to launch ourselves to our next level of
greatness. Take a breath and
breathe that in for a moment.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Fine Lines Between Mine and Thine
Where do you find that balance between focus and
surrender? It’s as sweet spot
indeed and one to be cultivated. I
have been thinking a lot about this as I journey through what seems to be a
time of both lightness and dark.
Through my addiction and simply as a person who lives in this world
which often lacks balance I have found myself either just plain down and out
or, on the other end of the spectrum - blissed out. I seem to be dancing
somewhere in the middle and although I would rather be walking around blessed
out…this is my lot and I am in the work of dedicating myself to the revelation
of purity and clarity in my soul….I have come to understand that there are valley’s
and peaks on this journey….thank God for the diversity for without one I could
not experience the true gifts of the other.
I have studied
and practiced in schools of thought which say that we are responsible for all
of it – everything… and I have practiced
with others in well established and successful spiritual programs whose primary
principle is “thy will be done.” I
somehow think that this being human is a forum for a balance of both. The one thing I know for sure that is
common among all spiritual programs that resonate with me, is that the place
where the work is done is within…inside
of ourselves….in consciousness.
This is contradictory to the quick fix, “outside in” paradigm that the
majority of people subscribe to.
Our dominant beliefs and thoughts manifest in and as our world… I know
this…. I have seen it for myself in my own prayer work. The loophole with this paradigm is that
I find myself “manifesting” things that I don’t want and having to create
something new in consciousness.
This is fine and well but can be pretty exhausting sometimes and quite
honestly all of the fluff is not all it’s cut out to be. I’ve gotten the relationship, the car,
the job and after a few weeks of enjoying them thoroughly I find myself
re-aquainted with the feeling that there has got to be more than this. The only thing truly fulfilling is the
inside out expression of my connection with the whole and finding perfect
avenues of the service of my soul to others. So I flip back to my prayers of “thy will be done.” But truly there has got to be a balance
between the co-creative process we use to “stabilize the systems” of our life
and the surrender of “thy will be done.”
Today I am dancing and playing with this balance and these ideas. For now my prayer is “thy will and my
will be one will BUT/AND when there is a discrepancy.. please God, thy will be
done!” I remain focused on the
Divine Purpose burning in my soul and befriend it, become intimate with it
without crossing the line of being obsessed with it(if however it is a choice
between being obsessed with it(my soul’s purpose) and not being familiar with
it at all then I chose obsession with Divinity within me) AND I release the How
and the When turning those over completely to Divine Intelligence which is Pure
Unconditional Love(a principle, a feeling, a concept which I can only court in
awe with a pure knowing that I will never from my finite mind begin to fathom
the Infinite nature of Love) which is everywhere present and all knowing…. I
think God is a better captain for the sea’s of my life.
Friday, May 4, 2012
We Are All Connected, I Surrender Myself to The One
With three conscious breathes I open myself to the language
of the heart, the message coming from my heart for this page. I was reminded recently at a conference
of the healing and uniting power of the breath. Instead of a pill or a person or some other "outside in" solution that is unsustainable why don’t I simply return to my breath. At any moment I have the choice to
re-member with and In the One through the breath. Through the breath I consciously and intentionally open
spaces in my energetic and physical bodies allowing them to be flooded with
Universal Light energy. So, with
three conscious breaths I return home, to my heart, to the heart of the One and
with complete trust… I ask my higher self…. What would you like to share here
today, via this forum? I empty
myself of anything that came before this moment and anything that is to come after this moment and become fully present in this moment now. What, my higher self, would you like to share here today on
sobriety, yoga, recovery, any journey which reveals the True self(the wholly
One) and the dissipation of the false imagery of walls of separation that the ego has
built to keep me falsely identified with separation? You see, today was the second meeting in a row where the
chair person began the meeting by holding up their phone and declaring the
hundreds of numbers of brothers and sisters in AA that could call and that each
day when they wake they are excited to connect with several people from the
rooms. When I hear something
almost verbatim two days in a row my attention is commanded and I begin to,
with a soft curiosity, get into a relationship with the concept that is being
introduced to me by the Universe.
I have excuses up the wazoo of how I am different and it’s ok for me to
ride the outskirts of the group…. “I travel a lot,” “I have other forms of
spirituality” “I have other spiritual communities” etc etc but the bottom line
is that I am a garden variety alcoholic and if I don’t start treating the growing
edges(character defects) with a strong dose of honesty and willingness than I
will remain, less than well. The
three major growing edges that I have identified that keep me in the hell of
feeling separate from others are(gulp) grandiosity, selfishness and (double
gulp) dishonesty. So taking
another deep cleansing breath, I remember that this are factual discoveries
about my personalities human condition AND that my Spiritual Nature, just like
every single other person, is absolutely flawless and my eternal life is never
less than whole. However the whole
point of this thing is that my human vessel be as clear as possible for the
fullness of my Divine expression.
So, through admitting these here, with my sponsor and in the repitition
of step 7 and 10 I am bringing out the window washers of my consciousness and
the quality of the washers that I hire is a direct correlation of how open and
honest I am willing to be. In this
case, I will swallow my pride with my willingness to be the best version of me
possible today. Much Love and an
arm around you in the fellowship of connection.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
I Empty Myself Before Spirit
I was meeting with my mentor on Monday and exploring with
him the idea of preparing to “give a talk” as it appears that I will be
facilitating Sunday services as soon as a few months from now. I have been exploring this idea of
“emptying myself before God” and allowing Life or God to use me as It’s
vessel. My intention is to be
consistently and constantly turning my life over to the Universal Life essence
for the good of all. That may seem
like a bold statement….my life, for the good of others? Well, the truth is, that’s all I can
really ever think about anymore…being of service to others under the deep
remembrance and realization that we are not islands separate from the human
life. Our lives are always,
whether I like it or not, having an impact on those around us. So it’s up to me to be positive and
intentional about what I am “bringin’.”
I was reminded that I can be selfish recently and it triggered a
curiosity and a desire to know this selfishness, to confront this selfishness
and to release it because, let’s face it,
“being selfish” is not exactly in alignment with my goal to be selfless
and to live a life of service.
Without delving too much into this idea…. I will just mention that
unless I am first aquainted intimately with myself and the God within, which
does require a level of self-focus, attention and discipline then I am not able
to serve the world with the fullness of the gifts within me that is my
potential. But that’s not what she
meant, I don’t think and I somehow sense that “emptying myself before God” has
to do with identifying(as we do in step 6) and asking or intending that these
growing edges(character defects) be removed(step 7.) Through these and other tools such as breath work I am
cultivating an emptiness before God.
I intend to be willing and sometimes just willing to be willing to
release the safety of thinking I know anything at all that I may become
available to the full influx of Spirit in, through and as me. Today I intend to know more about what
it means to empty myself, humbly, before God…. and by the way God, I intend to
know this with ease and Grace J
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