So, as I become more familiar with my character defenses,
thanks to Baron Baptiste, my sponsors and anyone I have ever dated…. Which
reminds me of something someone said after the meeting this morning, he said
“relationships are like putting miracle grow onto my character defects.” Oh my goodness, lol… that’s the
funniest thing I have heard in a while and soooo true… so anyways, as I become
more familiar or aware of my character
defects I am finding that I can now begin to examine them a little more
closely. As I do this I am
beginning to discover a few things about my little defeses…. A.) they worked for
me at some time in my life and I just forgot to take them off when they stopped
working, B.) I get to keep em if I
want to continue to see through the lense that they create and keep acting them
out until I’m ready to heal them, C.) they are sneaky little buggers and can
often be visible to everyone but me.
So today, I get to pray to be shown those things that I don’t know that
I need to know for the full expression of my wholeness. But the question that Baron posed and
that I love and one that is not easy to answer IS, what is the payoff that I
get from keeping my defenses. For
example, what do I get from being Right… besides the fact that being right
stimulates the same area of the brain as alcohol and drugs do giving me both
the high and the low that they did, it also allows me to be justified in
cutting people out of my life and doing things my way. This realization took me several days
to arrive upon and only after asking myself, the universe and God what the
payoff is that I get from being right.
So be gentle with yourself, but take one or two of your character
defenses and ask yourself, what is the payoff that you get from living in these
ways. Feel free to share with your
sponsor, at a meeting or on my page.
Together let’s breathe light into those old ways of being and shine a
new light as a result. May your
sobriety and your practice be deep and rich with inquiry. Love Out!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Breathe Light Into the Old & Be Transformed
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Turn Breakdowns Into Breakthroughs
Gooood morning sober yogi’s around the globe. Well, I just had quite the sobering
experience at the Baptiste Level 1 yoga teacher training in Sedona, AZ. All I can say is “wow.” Ok, so I have more to say on the
matter… but still, wow! I did not
know what to expect going into the experience and now I am blown away by the
incredible gifts that were born in a week packed full of emotional, spiritual
and physical growth. Our schedule
looked a little something like this, 6:45am – breakfast, 8:30am – meditation
for an hour or two, 10ish-yoga for 3-4 hours, 1:30ish – lunch, 3ish – “chair
session”, 5:00ish – snack, 6:00ish - 2-3 hours of yoga, 9pm – dinner, 10:30 –
chair session, 12:30-1am’ish – bedtime(phew)! I’m amazed first of all that this girl who likes to be in
bed no later than 9pm had the capacity to endure and eventually thrive on such
a schedule. The fact is we were
eating clean and living clean and it’s amazing how much energy is freed up to
flow, hint hint(**if you’re passed the stages of early sobriety where anything
goes – perhaps now is the time to start to court the idea of eating and living
clean ;) More importantly, we were exploring our boundaries and pushing passed
them. In this way, we were
discovering new possibility in our life.
How often do we cruise through life uninterested in going anywhere near
the edge of our comfort zone and therefore unengaged with new possibility? Baron Baptiste(world famous yoga
teacher, leader, and writer) was secretly dedicated to, sometimes gently and
sometimes not so gently, nudging
us toward the discovery of the blind spots within our consciousness,
otherwise known as the places that we play small. It became apparent very quickly that he was dedicated to
creating crisis(which simply means crossroads) for us, so that we would have
the opportunity to turn a breakdown into a breakthrough. Let me tell you, I discovered a
few…in fact I have a whole new list of step 6 character defenses – 1.) the
need to be right 2.) the need to know & charmingly, 3.) the concern for
looking good. I am aware of these now and each time they arise I take the
opportunity to let them go. This
is a truly liberating process of revelation and recovery. In the coming days I
will share more in depth the details, revelations and breakthroughs of my
experience at this life changing training. For now though, I want to encourage you to develop the
awareness that any breakdown that is happening in your life has by it’s
nature, the potential for a
breakthrough. If you’re in the rare experience of cruising along without a
single breakdown in your life, then chose a place where you feel stuck in your
life and commit yourself to a breakthrough in this area. In the next week, we will explore this
process. Happy Breakthrough’s
today yogi’s, on and off your mat!
Big Love! A
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Life shrinks or Expands in Proportion to One's Courage
The steps and yoga postures have so many things in
common. But the biggest and most
foundational similarity is that they both hold everything we could possibly need
for our maximum growth. They are
the place where we find our growing edges and work past them. They unlock the great magic of Divinity
within us. I was explaining in
meeting full of people that I had experienced some depression in my first year
of sobriety and that there was an undeniable correlation between making my
final amends (of this list) and a genuine freedom and joy that broke out in my
life. I had made it to step 9 in
earlier periods of sobriety but had always thrown in the towel somewhere around
the first or second amends(fishy?
Nooooo wayyy!! :P). I would
find my edge and I would back down, back away, pull out right before true and
lasting growth was about to be anchored.
This can be true on my mat as well, like the day I found my edge in prayer
twist and decided to try to move through
it… and almost without effort, I floated up into side-crow. I
literally laughed out loud in class because it was so shocking to me that I had
played small for who knows how much time that I could have been in side
crow. Whether it soaring into the freedom that is on the other side of an
amends or soaring into the freedom of side crow, it’s all the same, it’s the
place of bliss that exists just past our growing edges.
Friday, May 17, 2013
I Get to Be Wowed By Life
Here I am God resting your arms, a sweetness that exists
because of that choice which I made over and over again to pick up the tools of
the program instead of a drink. I
shared this morning as I picked up my two year chip that I believe that my
recovery began after the pink cloud drifted away and I once again found myself
with the desire to drink. This
time(like no other time before) I picked up the tools of the program instead of
that drink. I upped my meetings, I
called my sponsor, I told on myself at meetings… annoyingly, I think I told
everyone in the world that I wanted to drink. For more than two months right around the year mark, I
wanted to drink so badly. Instead
I picked up the tools that were suggested. Between this and the last and most profound amends on my
list, I have found a great joy and peace in the program again. There were two journeys that I was on
here. The first was the journey
from the outer edge of the fellowship of AA to the center of the rooms, where
life is a sweet as it possibly can be, like a slice of Grandma’s warm apple pie
with Haagen Dazz ice cream. The second is the journey of unveiling the “blanket
shame” that I believe almost every alcoholic walks through the doors
wearing.
I’m 2! I can’t
believe it! There were times that
I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it to 2 and if I did, I was pretty sure
that I would be prime to head back out into the big bad hurly burly of the
world of drinking and using. Not
so, God’s Grace is better than I could have ever imagined and I am turning this
corner with a great gratitude and renewed conviction and engagement with the 12
step program of recovery… who would have thunk? Wow, the WOW factor…. By staying sober I get to be Wowed by
Life & God. I get to be WOWED
by the possibilities, the unexpected experience of miracles unfolding and
unfolding. I GET to be there for
the tough stuff, and I GET to be there for the Sweet Stuff. There is nothing more precious than
being here, I mean REALLY being here, not just the shell of me, ALL of ME…
sound mind, body & Spirt To EXPERIENCE ALL OF LIFE. Happy Birthday Me. All Praise Be to God, to the
fellowship, to my sponsors, to my brothers and sister on the path of the
spiritual warrior. Gratitude fills my every cell today. I am going to
keep coming back and I sincerely hope you do too!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Glad I Stayed
Miracles upon miracles unfolding like waves onto the shore
of my existence leave me with a gratitude that is so deep that it is hard to
explain. Today, I thank myself for
staying sober in all of those moments when sobriety didn’t seem like the life
for me! For a while there, I would
peer out of a lonely eye onto the landscape of my family, who seemed to have it
all, in their merriment sipping wine and whiskey at their fancy parties and nice
dinners. I would sometimes wonder
what happened to me, why couldn’t I drink and function as they did? Now, almost two years ago, with a high level of self awareness,
especially for an alcoholic, I knew that it was time to begin my path in
sobriety. NOW I know why it was my time to begin my path in sobriety. Recently, I watched as my brother who seemed to
have it all (and still does in the realm of finances and career) become prey to the disease. I stood amazed as
the first beverage that hits his lips in the morning always had a little of
that sneaky little devil inside...cunning, baffling and powerful. I
watched as the disease clasps him in It’s vicious claws and baffled by the craziest part of
alcoholism, the denial(Don’t Even Know I Am Lying). The thing is, NOW I know why I began my
journey when I did. It is a gift
precious beyond measure to be available to stand in the clarity of my being in loving support of my baby brother. I see without judgment and I know without
a doubt that there is a SOLUTION, a way of living that will far exceed the puny
ideals we had previously placed upon life. I give thanks to those who have gone before me, those who have held
this vision so clearly. Whether my
brother chooses to be supported or not, I am still here holding loving vigil
until he decides. You see, I
wouldn’t possibly be available to truly help another until, as the Big Book so
clearly states, “my own house is in order.” I can honestly say that I am proud of a relatively clean
house of consciousness that I live in. Loving someone truly gives me courage today.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Uncovering Gifts Through Releasing Defenses
It’s the dawn of a new day and the silhouettes of the palm
tree’s in the early morning sky, bring a smile to my heart. I’m tired this morning but I’m up to
meet my commitments of writing and heading to a 6:30am yoga class. I got to share “my story” at Betty Ford
last night and it’s amazing how, with time, overall clarity increases. I’m becoming more clear each day about
who I am. I am becoming
increasingly clear about who I am not.
And now, I am beginning the journey of discovering the deeper thought
patterns & belief systems which lead to my emotional sobriety or lack there
of. A few months ago, I identified
the root of emotional hangovers as the result of my character defenses taking
the wheel. The longer I allowed
myself to be run by that character defect the longer and more fierce the
emotional hangover(which oh by the way feels strikingly like a drinking/using
hangover). I don’t know about you,
but I hate hangovers(what a fine waste
of good time and life energy) so this alone continues to be the motivation to
do the work to alleviate and remove the hangovers altogether! It never ceases to amaze me when I hit
another layer of understanding of the Principles offered by the Program…. This
latest understanding is of that of the removal of Character Defects. In order that I might find more freedom in my program, I must first IDENTIFY my character
defects – those ways which I react(to protect my self) to fear as it
arises. The removal of these
character defects gives me the ability to respond – ie response-ability! When I am able to respond instead of
react, I am empowered instead of depleted and bowled over. Yep, this work is definitely for
me. Today, I identify righteousness,
control and impatience as ways to respond
to the fears that I am not good enough and the fear that nothing is going to
work out without my direct hand it(lack of faith) and I ask God to please
remove these that I might experience my true state of humility and faith. Thank you God.
Monday, May 6, 2013
I received the huge blessing of seeing Marianne Williamson
speak at Agape International Spiritual Center yesterday. She rocked my world with her
Intelligent yet Loving dose of Inspiration that she catapulted right to the
center of my heart, expanding my consciousness with force and immediacy. I left feeling expanded and activated. Here is a woman in recovery who clearly
demonstrates to me that we become sober for something. I’ve been pondering this idea
lately. The idea that there is a
deeper meaning in my sobriety…. That I am sober for something. That something is my purpose, that something is to make a difference on a planet with a broken heart. My
purpose is that way
in which I serve the whole – it feels
choice-less and is a great source of drive and joy. I’m not so sure that I would stay sober if I didn’t have
some deep knowing that I am here to participate in the evolution of the whole
planet in my own unique and powerful way.
I’m not so sure that life in sobriety feels good enough to just hang out
in when the world and it’s craziness dance all around me, without some deeper reason
for my sobriety. Sobriety is
the groundwork for my house of purpose. I was reminded yesterday that I have a
responsibility to work in harmony with other individuals, expressions of the
same “One Life of Love-Intelligence,” toward a greater good. “Love is our bottom line” Marianne said
and went onto affirm that Love is not a flimsy word used just for the lover or
the sweeter things in life. No, Love IS a dynamic and intelligent force for Good. Your sobriety is a vast
opening for the mighty force of Good that I call Love. Let your Love Light shine Brightly with
all of It’s Beauty and Intelligence and Dynamism – for these are your truest
nature. In this, we shall discover
the truest meaning of our incarnation. In my sobriety and on my mat, I can't help but unleash the Power of Love Into the World. I Live Love.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
I Am Committed To Changing Within
Sometimes I dig this journey of sobriety more than others
just like the fact that sometimes I dig coming to my mat more than others. This is the journey of awakening. This is a journey for the
dedicated, the committed, the fierce. Those, not only willing to change but those actively, consciously making the choice, over and over again, to participating in positive change in their own life. Not changing others. Changing oneself and in so doing being a positive and potent agent for evolution and enlightenment on the planet. Am I dedicated to
awakening and integrating my fragmented pieces or will I fall prey to the sleep states so readily available in society today? Will I stay sober, stay the course and live for my purpose or will I live for my senses. One is not better than the other, it is simply a question of who am I today? One of the quickest ways for me to accomplish “staying
the same” would be to drink, or to continue thinking that others are the cause
of my feelings. I have to remind
myself that this is an inside out deal and remember that true power lies in my
willingness to do the work within.
Whatever I am seeing out
there is a fragment of my consciousness.
What have I not cleared?
How can I dig deeper?
Sometimes I feel quite strange in a world where things that are so meaningful
to the masses, matter so little to me. What does matter to me however is to do my spiritual work,
to integrate my own fragments and to forget forever the idea that someone else
might ever be responsible for how I am feeling in any given moment. I am ready to take my power back
through a renewed dedication this day to my inside out journey of integration
and ultimately the revelation of my wholeness, of your wholeness, of wholeness
as it exists at the center of all of life. I know no matter what, when I show up to my mat, when
I show up to do my spiritual work, when I show up to a meeting, when I show up…
I am never sorry that I did… I am always so grateful that I did. Find that thing that you least want to
show up for and show up for it today for these are our greatest opportunities to
maximize our growth and evolution. Today, I show up for life in all of its fullness. I especially look for the opportunities that disguise themselves as those things that I do not want to do and I conquer them with a clear awareness that my doorways for growth live here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)