God Has My Back

Yesterday I was having a tough time making a decision about something fairly important.  The decision was clouded by fears that I have struggled with for many moons. These are rooted in codependency.  Codependency is the disease of the lost self… what this means is that we are disintegrated. That due to childhood trauma we begin to depend on non-sustainable forces outside ourselves and most often this shows up as overdependence on a person or people in our lives to meet our basic needs.  We have come to believe that whatever we depend upon is the source of something that we absolutely need at a fundamental level. Therefore the thought of losing this thing, a fear fantasy set up in the future, also a mechanism of trauma becomes terrifying and we can often go into a panic about something that is both created and has its life in the mind.  When my trauma is activated it can be very difficult to make decisions because I am busy trying to control my environment and the people in order to feel safe. Of course, this is an illusion and an example of codependency. The only true safety is the safety of embodying the knowledge that God lives within us and this God that also lives in everyone else is the true source of all of life.  I don’t have to be afraid to lose a person or a situation because, although it is ok to desire and value connection with others, they are not the source of our happiness. We can be dependent on others… it is not a matter of going about life alone, but, if something changes, the source of that very thing that I am afraid to lose will rush to meet me and all of my needs in the next moment of life in some other way.  This is faith or trusting the process based on past life experience. Sometimes faith has to start with the reasoning in my mind. What I mean by that is that if my trauma triggers a shit storm of fear, I can grab a guiding light that will lead me back to the truth. In this case, the guiding light may be a statement of Truth like “Regardless of my fear, I know that God has my back… I know that God is everywhere present and all-powerful and all-knowing and that somehow within this truth is a path to my fulfillment.”  Fulfillment is having all needs met….and, my God is not stingy with meeting my needs. My God is so Good beyond anything I can imagine, that meeting my needs in abundance has always been her way. I am not saying that she gives me what I think I want all of the time, but when I truly surrender to her I find myself blown away, again and again. Sometimes it’s unanswered prayers that I need to trust the most. It’s times like these when I have learned that God has a specific path and place that she is working hard to bring me toward.  It’s like sometimes I get the feeling that I am on a one-lane road with my brights on and here and there I see a little side road that I think I want to take but I am already past it by the time that my thought catches up to me. Or, I may even turn down that road but inevitably I come to big orange construction barricades that say… do not enter. What I find during these times when I seem to get rejected over and over again is that I am close to something big that has been in the works for my life and that last stretch is protecting me from myself.  This is one the Divine says NO, you may not take this side street today. Get back on track, stay the course, you’re almost there.