Please excuse me for taking a small break from writing my blog for the past several days. The truth is that I have been busy healing, getting blissed out and filling up through a series of spiritual gatherings that have expanded me, my sobriety and my life in such sweet and beautiful ways. My week started off in Palm Desert where I gathered with my core group of people who I got sober with to celebrate the life of a dear friend whom we lost to the disease. As we sat by the crackling fire under the starry night sky in Joshua Tree, CA and remembered James’s life, we deepened our lives together. Our sobriety and soul’s grew equally that night. Just as James would have done it we invited all people who knew him and gathered guerilla style with an outline of events planned but little to no attachment to any of it. It was just as perfect as it always was when he facilitated gatherings. It was vital to do some forgiveness work, some celebration and some closure for all of us who have a deep love and fondness for our friend James. After a couple of days of contemplation, meditation, community and fantastic meetings in the Desert I cruised over to a giant spiritual conference in Los Angeles and was blown into the next metaphysical realm of enlightenment via the wisdom of world renowned speakers such as Jean Houston, Brother Teteh Ishmael, Iyanla Vanzant, Dr Will Coleman and of course, Michael and Ricki Byers Beckwith. The vibration of Love, Inspiration and true spiritual power that I am ignited by is a gift that I could barely begin to describe my gratitude for. Once again, this is why I am sober, to continue to wake up and to feel what I felt over the past week…. the best part of all of the high’s of drugs put together times 10 was the natural humm and buzz of Spirit through my veins, my cells, my mind, my body… my entire being, this week. And now I get it… what I was going for in the drugs was just a mix of chemicals that are already in my body, being activated. Now and only now after some dedication to my sobriety am I feeling those chemicals being activated in a natural and sustainable way. Today I FEEL my happy, whole and complete… a realization…. A demonstration of the times when I stuck to knowing these things of myself and others even when I couldn’t FEEL it. Now, feeling it…. This is icing on the cake. May this vibration of love lift you to the next cosmic level of your being today.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
After 5 weeks taking a thorough inventory in my 4th step I finally did my fifth step with my sponsor yesterday and for the rest of yesterday I teetered on intensity and tears. Some people experience pure bliss at the culmination of their 5th step but for me I am learning to embrace my journey just the way it is. To love myself more than anyone else could love me by allowing myself and nurturing myself through any and all emotion that comes up. It’s time for me to stop shoving it down and turning away from myself.
This has been one of the toughest years of my life and in the same sense, one of the best. This is the first time I have lost a close friend ever and to the disease, this is the first year I have been in a major car accident and although not the first year but still an addition to the sum total of my challenges, I have been in conflict on the work front. There have been moments of pure bliss and a lot of moments of what I can only describe as feeling “blah.” But the coolest part of it all is that I know that I am on track, in alignment and in integrity with my soul’s calling. I think I have held back on 5th steps or in sharing in general because I wanted to preserve my identity as “a very spiritual person.” Yesterday I shared it as honestly as possible and my sponsoring was loving enough to be blatently honest in return and she reflected back to me a tough nut to swallow. I am now to look at my ego’s tendency to be grandiose and to once again seek more humility. It’s tough because I feel like the Universe has been humbling me practicially my whole life and just when I think I am in correct alignment or “right sized” in God, someone reminds me that there is more work to be done in this area. My mom also so sweetly chimed in yesterday on my “character defects.” She reminded me of how intense I can be and although I think she is remembering my using days, she was honest enough to share that she felt I took my anger out on those around me. The only reason I share this so honestly here is because I am ready to move through this, to soften this edge of mine and to embrace being humble and gentle on myself and others. I believe I have grown a lot in this area through working the steps and in my sobriety but clearly there is always more work to be done and for now, this is mine.
I surrender and release the need to be right, to be bigger to be better, to be further along to be less than to beat myself up to be compared in any which way to anyone along the path. I embrace individuals for exactly where they are on their journey and allow them to be fully in that moment without any need to draw them along or help them to what I perceive to be better place. I allow and align with the Truth that God is being Itself perfectly through ALL of life. I am right sized in God.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
“The Power, Expansion & Explosion of God’s Love and Light are unleashed through me as a Yoga Teacher. My formal training & Certification as a yoga teacher is supplied in and by Divinity. Any belief in lack, limitation, not-enoughness(of me and money in general) is dissolved in this moment NOW as I plant myself firmly in the Truth that there is more than enough to supply my every need, especially one that will serve the good of more than just me, especially one that is a component of my soul’s purpose and passion in this world. It is God’s great Good to infuse my life with all Good things, including the full supply and support of the perfect yoga teacher training. I know that this has been occurring since the moment my heart began to dream of teaching yoga.” - A portion of my morning prayer and an entry which has been entered into my 2012 Intentions journal.
On the topic of choosing our words and thoughts and living life intentionally I am stepping into the fullness of the Divine Idea of myself as a yoga teacher. I say that this is a Divine idea because it lives in my heart and fills my soul when I ponder it. I become so charged with positive emotion which is another sign that this is a Divine idea for my life. Let me give you another example of discernment or differentiation. I was an EMT for about 7 years and it was in a sense God’s idea of my life for I had endless opportunities to grow, expand and understand the vast array of lifestyles out there. I was invited into peoples homes in critical moments of transition and change, often chalked full of emotion. But as I went through Paramedic school I had this nagging sensation – “this is not me” AND I don’t think it is serving me any longer. I was decent at the job and landed myself with the help of some angels in a very good Paramedic program but I could feel a stark difference between myself and my classmates as they demonstrated their passion, commitment and focus to this line of work. Although being a Paramedic is helpful and considered valuable by society and by myself there came a point where there was such a disjoint between my heart and my head that I started to feel deeply conflicted. What ( I thought) the world wanted from me and what I had an inkling I wanted to bring the world were two very different things. After having made the choice to finish my career as an EMT and walking through the self doubt of "did I do the right thing?" and coming to live in this place of deep contentment in the knowing that I am fully on the right path for me.... I am here to say, that the only thing that is important is that you seek to know the true gift within you and dedicate yourself first in the realm of your own consciousness, between you and God, to being IT in greater and greater ways in the world. Get off of any track that someone else built for you and live your own true meaning. Start with a prayer, every day, of knowing that you are supported and supplied in following the dream of your heart… just as I shared with you, above... I am a yoga teacher in my heart and I say yes to this component of my soul's purpose NOW! Happy trails on the journey of your Soul Purpose, born of your heart. Love Out.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
“…we limit ourselves by thought of limitation. Now, we must open up the doors of our consciousness and expand and expand and expand, and no longer hink in terms of the backyard lot but in terms of the infinite nature, in terms of the Universe.” -Ernest Holmes
Thoughts are things and modern day spirituality places the responsibility for our lives squarely on our shoulders. Depending on the day or the hour or even the moment, this notion can either feel exhilarating or deafening. Through an integrated balance between the program and other avenues of spirituality which serve me I have found that there is actually also a balance of co-creativity between myself and God and then there is that Divine seed which is my nature which is thrusting forward in time with or without me. Now, of course, the more I water this the more it expresses in quality and in rate and my evolution by my very focus to be in alignment with and, a nurturer of my own God-seed and it’s growth is exponentially magnified and my potential is fulfilled in less time. However, the nature of a flower is to grow from bud to bloom and so is the nature of my soul. The difference is that I have an awareness of myself and can chose to close my perverbeal petals and not accept as much water or light. But I cannot deny my roots and the soil at the base of me ,which is always encouraging and nourishing my growth. This is where the self-limiting of the human species comes in. I liken myself to a flower but in all actuality I know that we as human beings are so very dynamic in our nature and it is virtually impossible to simplify us to such a degree. We are different from other life-forms by our very ability to be conscious of ourselves. Our thoughts are exactly what have the potential to limits us as Ernest states in the above. By our very thinking we have the power to activate our free selves and by the same token do we have the power to limit ourselves. With “race consciousness(the average vibration or tendency of all thought)” vibrating and tending toward what it is today we are much more susceptible to thoughts of limitation and therefore the experience of limitation. So, through meditation or simpe awareness begin to notice what you are thinking and start to decide that if you knew that this thought was going to become a thing in your world, would you continue to think it or would you change the thought. The exciting news is that right where you are you are tapped into the most exciting creative power in the Universe you can co-author your own life. So start to chose the thoughts which will birth the life you want. Love and Light in the landscape of your mind today.
Monday, April 16, 2012
“Spirit of my senses, I declare you see the Good of God in each person. Every wave comes into being by the collective effort of the entire ocean. I am here by the collective effort of the entire Universe.” Brother Ishmael Teteh (modern day African Mystic)
I am not an island and I am not alone. But I think it’s hard to remember that when we each come with so much “stuff,” – so many judgments(of self and others), insecurities, jealousy, materialism, pride…. you know… all of the stuff of the ego. What I am reminded of this morning is the idea that if I am seeing something “less than appealing” about another, it something that I see somewhere in myself. Neither is this judgment I experience True of the other and it is not true about someone else but somewhere along the line I believed a lie(a judgment) that someone else told me and the very fact that I am experiencing it now is simply an opportunity to discard the lie through awareness/realization and forgiveness so that I may let it go, once and for all, within myself and, at the same time, release it about another. I love the first line above because it is a prayer which is the exact antidote to judgment or perceived separation. “Spirit of my senses(I hear Brother Teteh’s booming voice sound from the depths of Being as he stands there almost 7 feet tall in his tribal robes and I am without doubt that these words are a declaration of Truth) I declare you see the Good of God in each person!!!!” I join in this prayer and invite you to join with me in elevating the world through a declaration of your senses to be in alignment with Truth.
You see the Spirit of us is Perfect and can never be blemished, no matter what! But the human aspect of our being is often quite imperfect and for that reason no one should be placed on a pedestal. We all have the capacity to speak from the heart and shed Divine wisdom in the very act of doing so. You may see that same person turn around in the next moment and shed anger that feels contradictory to the wisdom they just shared so beautifully. Let me make this really clear! The wisdom was real and so is the darkness and because of that individuals willingness to be in their darkness so too are they available to the pureness of Light. My sister said to me a few weeks ago something along the lines that “I don’t want you to be all Spiritual and not let me be who I am.” I called her back and said the more Spiritual I am the more you will feel welcomed and inspired to be exactly who you are. In new thought spirituality we are often focused on the Spirit and the Truth of Good and Perfection that is at the center of every soul but this is NOT to say that we don’t honor the dark as a vital and integral part of the journey of a Spiritual Warrior. Those who are dedicated to waking up will often be seen “wrestling with their angels.” Angels, that have in almost every case laid dormant for lifetimes as we honored the intellect and the senses. This is a new journey now and darkness is NOT a sign of weakness or a lack of spiritual practice it is rather, very often, the sign of one walking through a valley directly into the next stage of their enlightenment. Walk with them. Spirit of your senses, I declare you see the Good of God in each person you encounter today. We are One in God. May Love fill your every cell today.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
“The framework of heaven gives to each star its path whereon not only to shine, but in its visible integrity to figure forth the Invisible integrity of a Finished Prototype.” - Emma Curtis Hopkins
This, I found on the second to last page of High Mysticism, a book I just finished reading cover to cover for the first time. It has been two years of diving deeply into this delicious Truth Principles… growing with them….growing in them. The same idea is planted here that is planted in the idea of the seed of a flower or an oak tree. Wthin that tiny seed is all that the, yet to be revealed tree or flower could possibly need to thrive. It is the tree and the flower and the star’s nature to thrive. I was talking with a friend the other morning about suicide as she has very recently lost two people in her life in this very manner and one who is still with us but “has a plan,” which in western medicine is considered a “serious sign.” Understandably she was deep in the questions of “why do some people seek death and some people seek life?” “do they have the right to die and if this friend has shared this plan with me, what is mine to do? She even offered that maybe it is not her business to get involved with “standing in the way” of her friend wanting to die. I could relate to this deep level of questioning and exploration as my father, who I was so very close with, chose to take his life some number of years ago. With my own journey with addiction and life there were moments and times when I myself have considered suicide…. and where I stand today is that it is our nature to live and to thrive and like the rose or the star or the oak tree, we have everything and more that we could possibly need, to thrive. We just forgot somewhere along the way and in those moments that I have forgotten I need my loved ones to remind me. Like Bono sings to his friend that did commit suicide… “you got stuck in a moment.” I say we be the loving advocates of the nature of life within each and every person on the planet and especially our friends. Although I am not angry with my father for taking his life to the next realm, I sometimes wonder if he was “stuck in a moment” and departed before his “finished prototype” shined it’s full light on our planet. Wherever his soul is, I know that he is living another set of Infinite possibilities for revealing the finished kingdom of his seed’s prototype and I believe in his soul to reveal it! For those of us still here, we may learn from those who have departed and realize no moment is permanent.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
“The twelth stone stands for happiness. The happy do not care what happens to them. They are the care-free; the truly care-less. They have cast all their care on the Author of omnipotent energy.” – Emma Curtis Hopkins.
The other day I was fumbling in my mind for a prayer and I had this moment of clarity for my prayer. My prayer was, is and may always be, if I chose, as simple and as powerful as “I am happy.” The word knows how to fulfill itself and when it comes down to it, I don’t need to be the author of the story that reveals my happiness, I just need to stand in the declaration that I Am happy and by those very words I know that the Universe has only to reveal how that looks. I Am Happy. I Am Happy. I cast out “all(of my) care on the Author or Omnipotent(all powerful) energy.” I Am are said to be the two most powerful words in the Universe and I have come to know this to be true. The part that I have become more keenly aware of is that I am constantly saying “I Am” in my head and sometimes out loud and if I were to take an even more thorough inventory of what follows my “I Am’s?” would I find some areas where I could be more kind and therefore more truthful about myself. Would I find areas where I could be more intentional about the vibration, the tone that I am bringing to the world? Would be a greater participant in revealing the Light and Love that I came to release? Would I catch my ego in the act as it degrades me and keeps me small and take the moment to forgive my ego and in so doing find my spirit as the director of this God driven show? I have this tattoo on my shoulder that says in Chinese characters – Spirit and Strength. When I was in Thailand I met a traveler who had just been working in orphanages in Cambodia who had the exact same tattoo and he said that it reads “courage,” which I love too but over the years I have translated it for it’s deepest meaning to me and now I share with people that it means God(Spirit) Powered(Strength.) I love this tattoo because it is a constant reminder for me to identify with Infinite God within and not with my ego. Today I dedicate myself to the realization, actualization and experience of being more “God Powered” than ever before. Love Out J
Friday, April 6, 2012
There is a difference between saying yes and praising everything as the perfect tailored experiences for my growth and having boundaries. In fact, having boundaries is a form of saying yes to my higher good and they are vital in our growth and our health. Saying yes is saying yes to the Divine within…. to the Divine Impulse of life that is seeking to emerge as me. You see, there is a match between what is happening within and the circumstances provided(yes, always “provided” by the Divine) as another opportunity for my Divine Light to emerge in bigger and more beautiful ways. Saying yes is a way in which we express our faith that it truly is, all ONE. That each and every person and situation is the Divine orchestration for good. It is purely in resistance or saying no that we take ourselves out of the way of “Divine Intervention” which is just so happens to be my favorite definition of a miracle. So, this whole business of yoga and sobriety is purely about learning to say yes on deeper and deeper levels. It is about releasing ourselves from identification with the ego. It is about freeing us for our slice of Divine Heaven Pie on earth. There is certainly a meantime and valleys of darkness built by our ego’s in our states of non-attention and running(to drugs, alchohol, sex, over-exercise, addiction to other people, overeating, excessive television watching etc) that we must walk through in our awakening. It is an honor to walk through those valleys, so if you are in one… keep walking…it’s just an old camp set up by the ego when you were turned from your true self. It may not seem fun at first but the spiritual journey is not one of instant and yet empty gratification, it is about a dynamic and full relationship of glory with the One. It is about Triumph. It is about Adventure. It is about Mystery. It is a journey of Love…. One that can not be replaced with moment after moment of instant gratification of the egos’ desires.
Say yes to that which is true about you, even in the midst of trial, especially in the midst of trial…. Say yes and know that truth better than anyone around you could possibly know it. Saying yes is freedom unleashed.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
“As when the tulip for its morning sup
Of heavenly vintage from the ground looks up,
Do thou devoutly do the same
Till heaven to earth invert you.” – Omar Khayyam
This is the first morning that I have been able to “look up” for my slice of “heavenly vintage” so that “heaven to earth (I am) inverted,” since the news of that my dear friend, James, made his transition. Like a flower I must set myself up to receive the spiritual nourishment that I need to grow and proceed on my journey. It is important, that even “from the ground (I) look up.” Events like the passing of a friend can bring one to the ground almost instantly. James was the big brother that I always wanted and we made the agreement that he would be just that in my life… a big brother. Well, we also made a pact on the last day of treatment that we would be the ones to stay strong in our sobriety and we would carry others in our strength. My big brother lost to this disease. I toggle between moments of sheer sadness and wonderment about whether I let him down in any way to a sweet celebration of his life and the clear awareness that he right here with me, even as I write these words. When someone crosses over it is so important to remember and embody the qualities of God that I so appreciated in that individuals gift of life. I am grateful for Jamie’s focus, drive and dedication to bringing people together for adventure. We all visited him at his house in San Diego after we got out of treatment. I remember his bright smile as he prepared soup and chicken tortilla tacos for us. One by one James shared his love of the water with each of us as he took us out on his sea kayak and surf boards and I believe that some even saw some dolphins that day. James loved the water but was not afraid to get down with a little yoga on the beach or some spiritual reading by candle light at night. He was passionate about life and as much as he loved to share his passion for the world he wanted to share in yours too. That same weekend we showed up to this bonfire meeting on the beach that James had been raving about and lit up our cigarettes like good “sober rookies” as James would call us. It was but a few moments before the guitar and Christian songs hinted to us that something was a little off. As Candace checked in with our bonfire hosts James and I were already runnin’ from what was clearly not the AA meeting we were looking for. We laughed and laughed as the sun went down and the profile of the stand up paddle boarder and his dog slowly cruising down the bay reminded us of why James loved San Diego so much.
James is my first close friend to make his transition. I am committed to embodying his focus and love for the ocean into my life. I am committed to bringing people together and living life to the fullest. No more hanging around the house on gorgeous sunny days, Jaimie J We are sober to live out loud…. I hear him echoing in my soul with that sweet fire for adventure and I simply say, yes J Happy Adventures of Love.