Monday, July 20, 2015

I Commit to Discover The Presence In Every Moment

“where is your God in all of this?  You’re a yoga teacher you must go deeper… go deeper Ashley” my wise sponsor said to me yesterday.  You see I called her last night with tears streaming from my face… I knew somehow that I was stuck in “the old” and my connection to the present or any sense of peace seemed like the furthest thing in the world.  I’m struggling in my relationship… everything feels out of control, I am vulnerable and I hate it and something about how it’s unfolding today just doesn’t seem right or healthy or good.  I have turned into a child and nothing either of says or does can soothe this small part of me which has taken over and has made a tantrum of the weekend.  I need help so I contact my sponsor.  She tells me not to act on how I am feeling but I do it anyway and fall deeper into the misery of letting “little me” run my show.

 I do this thing where I make this other person my God, where I look for something or someone else outside of me to be… to be, to be present, to be some particular way, to act to think to say what I want them to say in order to be ok.  That’s not what I think I’m doing in the moment but it is so often revealed in the work we(my sponsor)do together that this IS my M.O… this IS my hell… Slowly, subtly I slide, without even knowing it, into this place where I have forgotten that the ONLY sustainable Source in my life is God.  If I am always looking to other people to source me they will always let me down.  What incredible pressure for these people to be in the role of my God.  So, I set out on this journey today… one that frightens the hell out of me.  I set out on the journey of turning toward myself and God only.  I ask myself… “what do I think?  what do I want?  How do I feel?  Am I happy?  What things contribute to my happiness?”  I have the day to be with me.  I am going to make it an adventure in the spirit.  I am going to self-care, self soothe, self nurture.  I am committed to discovering the fullness of God, of love, of life in my day.  God is everywhere present… God is all loving in every moment… today I want to KNOW this, to FEEL this, to EXPERIENCE my God.  Today I venture out in courtship of me and my Higher Power.  I sincerely wish you the gift of remembering God as your only source today.  There is indeed "Beauty or (God) in all things, we just have to look close enough!"  Big Love, Ashley

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for returning to your blog this month. I just found it on day 2 of sobriety after a two year relapse, after 15 years of sobriety. I relapsed as my mother was dying. I wanted to be that child, as if I could turn back time. I have sat in that child, running away, going insane, driving drunk, much to the horror of my lovely teenage daughter and terrific husband of 20 years. I have fought this thing since I took the first drink at 13 and now at 51, still am amazed how destructive it is. I have a great yoga studio and have returned to my Hatha practice this month, knowing I needed to get a grip on this relapse. What a blessing! To be greeted back with love and no worries about the time missed.