As I sit here looking out my window at the picturesque view of Aspen Mountain, I can’t help but be overwhelmed with gratitude. I have had so much fun skiing and playing with a few friends that come to town every year at this time. Last year at this time I had just begin a horrific relapse and showed up for one night of seven that I had intended to be with my friends. I partied so hard that first night and felt so terrible about myself that I ditched my plans for the rest of the week and tried to began again, recovery mode. I wasn’t ready to be completely successful yet but rest assured within a few months, I began this period of sobriety.
Thanks to the incredible Grace of God, this year has a much different overtone for me and although the events and people are much the same, I am having a completely different experience- one of tranquility and celebration. Last night, I walked home a little earlier than the rest of the crew and, as I think about that I realize that I truly am learning to set my own parameters based on what is healthy and good in my life. I realize that there is a bridge between myself and my friends that is beautiful and sweet and allows us to play together from very different points in our respective lives. I am finally playing a note in this particular score that fits snugly in the orchestration of this beautiful time. I feel grounded and powerful and yet humble and true. These are the gifts of sobriety and as many old timers like to say, don’t let the gifts of sobriety take away the gift of sobriety. I have done that before coming to a false sense of self and thinking that somehow I had something to do with all of the good things flowing into my life. What happened? I went right back out heavens door into the hell of addiction. I have grown to realize this time that I am fully steeped in the gifts of sobriety and the energy of life is coursing through my veins – the vision of my life is full, bountiful and pressing through my every cell…. So much so that I have not slept well in quite some time now. But hey, if it’s the vision for my life that is energizing my mind, my heart, my thoughts so much that I can’t sleep…. I am grateful. This is a stark contrast to the chemicals that used to swim through my body sucking every ounce of life energy of confidence of hope from me and leave me twirling and swirling in a stagnant world of self-loathing and negativity. You may notice that I continuously work this first step because it is so important that I stay connected to my powerlessness and remember. I am currently working with my sponsor on The Hazelden packets and we have started again on step 1 – writing and writing on powerlessness and unmanageability. I have worked the program several times in my past but never with a true admission of powerlessness and unmanageability. Coincidentally this is the first time that the obsession to use or drink has truly been lifted- praise be to God. To be honest, in earlier attempts at sobriety, I wasn’t working either of the two parts of step 1. I couldn’t admit powerlessness but for the wee hours of a wretched hangover and unmanageability well… because my families life had always been unmanageable I wasn’t really able to relate to a baseline of manageability. I am exploring the second part of this first step and grateful to have a sponsor and support system to remind me to continue to put my sobriety first.
This is a profound and dynamic journey that really does get so much better the further you go. The further we go, the less we know and the less we know the more sweet is our spot in the Universe. Love and Blessings to you J
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