As I prepare myself to speak at the my brother’s memorial ski race banquet tomorrow evening – I am reminded of how truly precious the gift of life is. Wilder was tagged by the countries greatest professinal skiers and coaches as the next great Olympic skier. He was skiing in the junior Olympics by the time he was 10. He had incredible potential that in some peoples perspectives, went unrealized. I think this is a similar perspective of my father - so much potential and yet, he crashed and burned out before the triumphant part of his life. This could have been me too - so much potential and yet, the disease almost took me too. You see, I come from a family of people who all have this incredible potential and the natural propensity to succeed but something or other kept taking us down. But as I re-read the articles in the Aspen Times that were written immediately after my brothers skiing incident, I find an incredible gateway to compassion and empathy for my family. In just a few moments I drew a quick line from that point in time to this moment now and all that has occurred in my family and where we stand today. I realize that Wilder’s death propelled addiction and our lives were essentially dictated by the chaos of addiction for the last 20 + years. Mind you, there is the most intense and beautiful love in my family and I would not trade my family or the events of my life for anything else in this world – in fact, I believe I chose to know life through the window of death in my immediate family – my brother and my father’s suicide which I have come to understand was actually caused by this disease. This was the rich soil for the maximum growth of my soul and I love my family dearly.
I had this moment of deep clarity this afternoon where I realized that truly by the grace of God which has given me my sobriety, I am living my potential. I am living a balanced life that has a wonderful vision that IS emerging. My dreams are no longer “pipe dreams” I used to talk about from a bar stool. They are no longer at risk of destruction from my next binge and missed appointment, three days in bed, self loathing, feelings of suicide or any other manifestation of my diseases desire for me to be dead. My dreams are no longer in jeopardy because for today, my disease is in remission. My father died of this disease and this disease affects my family in countless other ways, even to this day. But today, for me, I am free to go and speak on my brothers behalf – on my families behalf. I am free to be the conduit of my bothers spirit tomorrow and to inspire the racers and their families with insight into Wilder’s Oneness with all of life. He was one with his skis, one with the mountain, one with his peers, one with his race, one with his family. Wilder had this incredible ability to be at One. At-one-ment. Atonement…. Perhaps he was an ascended master who came for a short time to exemplify Oneness, At-One-ment. Atonement. Either way, the number of ways that this experience is a gift, a reminder, and the kind of experience that shifts my perspective to to a perception of Truth… to remembering what truly matters in life. It matters that I am sober today and that I stand for what I believe in without being rigid and righteous. What matters is that I am seeking the same natural happiness that you are and that I am free to be happy and to support your happiness. I am proud to share my brothers Light and Legacy tomorrow and know that this is only occurring because of my sobriety. I am grateful to be sober and on track. All Praise and Thanks to that Presence which lives in all of life, that I call God. In memory and honor of my brother I pursue my dreams with a new vigor and a deepened inspiration. I love you Wildman!
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