I had a dream that I was at a ski resort(appropriate for
this ski town girl) that everyone was drinking icy cold, malty, hoppy beer in
frosty glasses(lovely how my alcoholic mind can so romance this little thing
which wants me dead ;-p) and well, to put it simply, (in my dream) I chose to
have just one beer with some random dude with overgrown facial hair and head
hair that looked like it hadn’t been washed in years. The feelings that followed were a mixture of “see, all I
needed was one,” and “do I need to share this in my next meeting” and “perhaps
I can get away with it….I”m just not going to say anything at my next meeting.” I hopped on the chair to the top and
when I got off, I skied across the gorgeous bowl of snow down to an area where
there were three women who had just competed against each other in some type of
ski competition (which without a doubt I would have won) and were being awarded
really cool prizes like big puffy jackets and sweet new ski helmets. As for me… I was too late…. I missed
the contest all together because of WHY?.... because I decided to have a beer
with someone else who’s Spirit and livelihood were dying because of their
disease. The message : don’t
take yourself out of the way of the gifts that are headed your way for a measly beer…. This was just a dream but a very
poignant dream warning me and encouraging me at the same time to hunker down
into my program. I did, I upped my
meetings and my prayer and meditation and my surrender and specifically prayed
to have the desire to drink be removed because I’ll tell you….I’ve been in
recovery and still felt locked up by my desire to use/drink and it is, no
fun!!! I too have been so extremely blessed to feel the way recovery is supposed
to feel(eventually and maybe from day 1… who knows…everyone’s program is
different…but at least eventually) where you are so filled up by way of
purifying the heart through the recovery process and becoming so filled up that
you don’t even want a drink or drug!
That’s the kind of recovery that I want. This morning’s topic was a “total psychic change!” That doesn’t mean a partial change of
old ideas and ways, it means a “total” change and that’s what I intend. When I hear people share about a total
change I know that this is the formula for freedom and the fullness of life
that is possible in sobriety. So,
today as I intend a total psychic change… I throw myself into my recovery…into
my reading, my sharing, the last portion of my fourth step and a phone call to
my sponsor…. I also look for way to help another alcoholic…so if you have any
ideas… let me know. I know my prayers are being heard and my God is nurturing me
through my disease because I have been invited on a full scholarship to an
awesome recovery retreat coming up and to chair a meeting the day after my
sobriety 1 year birthday. Thank
you God… I feel your love in spades.
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