Surrender. Stay. Shine.

I just finished watching Country Strong and the message is still vibrating in resonance in my body.  I can’t help but notice that it wasn’t until the moment that Gwyneth Paltrow’s character surrendered completely that she stepped back into her True self.  Unfortunately, for her, knowing that she was about to check out of this world, freed her from the grip of her disease and allowed her to un-cloak the layers of her ego and reveal the light to shine that was always waiting to be revealed.  And it(her light) did… big time.  I’m coming to understand that this is exactly what the 12 steps does… it unveils the layers of the ego and the disease and reveals our connection with Source.  You see, that portion of the 4^th step that I have been resisting with so much of me for what seems like forever… I finally completed to the best of my ability, today.  But, first I had to have a revelation regarding my resistance.  Of course as an answer to my prayer and, intention to complete this step…. God led me to a meeting on Saturday morning (one I had never been to before) to hear a lead on the 4^th & 5^th step that was in and of itself enlightening but paired with the shares that followed, something was unlocked within me.  I realized that a.) My disease did not want me to acknowledge and address my shame, guilt and remorse(because such it held such powerful healing in it’s acknowledgement) and so told me that I didn’t have any(guilt/shame/remorse.)  You should have seen how long this section of my fourth step was… Boy did I almost have myself fooled.  But I knew something was up because my desire to drink was increasing despite me increasing my program and sharing my desire to drink as honestly as possible.  Well, to be honest I wasn’t sharing it enough with my sponsor and there was some hesitation to share this portion of the 4^th step with her.  Not because she is not one of the most lovely, non-judgmental people on the planet who I love and feel so much gratitude for; not because her story did not involve drugs; not because I don’t trust her(all questions I had asked myself before in seeking reasons to why I wasn’t completing this portion of the 4^th & 5^th), but it finally dawned on me – I am about to start working with this woman on my dream and we are going to be serving a very large vision together.  My pride and fear did not want her to know the things I feel shame for because it did not want her to lack respect for me as a leader, a speaker, a teacher or a facilitator and there certainly is and was something to be addressed here.  I sent her this portion of my 4^th step and asked her to prayerfully consider my concerns but leaving it up to her is where we stand. 

No matter what, I feel about 1000 lbs lighter just having written that stuff on paper and being willing to share with somebody I trust.  I feel good about discovering my block and addressing it like a woman.  You know what… the desire to drink is completely gone and I already feel more connected to my program and the people I love so much in the rooms….those people I am looking forward to being close to when I get back to Aspen and those sweet souls that welcome me into every meeting I go to.   Surrender is first, working the steps is second, your light will shine brightly again.  Love Out